Slimdude

Well, I feel pretty good mentally. Physically, I am very sore and stiff this AM.

My day yesterday went pretty well over-all. The Boy and I watched a lot of TV, but we also played a lot with toys. He even took a nap right on the sofa while VH1’s “I Love The 90s : Part Deux” was on.

I was on my feet quite a bit yesterday so I think I’m feeling it today.

But there are downs to yesterday. One, at about 6:30pm he got it in his head to be extremely hyper and mischevious and no matter how many times I told him “No” and not to touch something and settle down he just would not listen. I think I probably gave him about ten chances to stop all that, like jumping on the couch, pulling on the curtains, climbing on the table, on and on until I finally told him I would put him to bed “You are going Nite Nite in your crib if you don’t stop!” which he fully understands but he did not stop so I ended up putting him in his crib, which of course hurt my lower back a little bit so now it hurts and he screamed and cried for a solid hour and I felt bad both physically and mentally…

I had so wanted the evening to be pleasant and nice and he could have stayed up as late as he wanted until he fell asleep as long as he was good. Anyway, I guess I just felt so crappy I gave in and had a minor binge. A lean pocket, some cookies, and a gigantic bowl of cereal. I knew the whole time I was doing it purely to make myself feel better, and afterwards of course I felt even worse because now on top of the kid thing and the back thing now I had the stupid eating at night thing.

oh well. one day I will learn. perhaps today.

he did wake up at 11pm or so crying a little so of course I went in there and it took everything I had physically but I carried my little boy back into the living room with me and laid him on the couch and he slept on one sofa and I slept on the other one all night. I had to turn off the TV to get him to fall asleep, though.

Oh I love him so much why can’t he just mind me when I tell him stuff? darn it.

Okay well the scale is holding steady at 150 so I guess until I stop binge-ing and snacking at night I’m not going to lose the last ten pounds.

I’m excited about Thanksgiving, www.hungrygirl.com has a great recipe for pumpkin pie that is only 135 calories per slice and I either want my wife to make it or I want to make it and see what it tastes like.

Nothing that spectacular to report on the TV front… here is your joke for the day:

*A little boy and his father were walking and they happened to see two dogs humping, and the little boy says “What are they doing Daddy?”

“Well son, they are making a puppy.”

So a few nights later the son accidentally walks in on his parents making love. and he says “Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?”

“well son, we are making a baby.”

“Well flip her over I’d rather have a puppy!”

oh my.

—Matt

I am really sorry that this post is probably going to be a “downer” fellow BSers. I try so hard to be positive but I have just had a bad day, period.

I was feeling so great about everything, including weight loss… depending on when I weigh myself it’s around 146-150 and that is lower weight than I have had in over a year at least. It’s not quite to my goal, but hey… down from 172 in Jan ‘06 and down from 163 since I joined BuddySlim so I’m NOT knocking that.

Anyway, it’s become pretty obvious that I will never get to my goal weight and maintain it no matter how healthy I eat and how active I am if I can’t break the “binge” habit… or snack habit or however you want to put it. Plus, even if I could lose weight and binge like that… there are other factors besides weight loss… it is not good from a health and psychological standpoint to sit there and eat 1000s of calories in one massive go.

 So I was on sort of a good streak starting Saturday… well… yesterday (monday night) work was just insane. I work on Jets for the USAF and my job is to fix the computer systems on them. This requires a lot of physical work anyway. It’s a lot of walking around and carrying laptop computer and climbing up and down  the ladder over and over to work in the cockpit and hooking up massive power lines and hoses to the plane… anyway the point is, when I say I work on the computers and electronics… don’t think I am sitting on my butt all night. Sometimes I do if we don’t have any work.

But that is rare. Complicated jet fighters break a lot. And it’s my job to fix them. We only have about 8 people on MidShift. Dayshift has about 30 and SwingShift has 20. Nevertheless, we had a TON of jobs last night. Keep in mind that the Air Force almost always works in pairs in flightline maintenance. It’s part of our wingman concept and it’s just the way things are done. Two people work a job. And many jobs actually need two people (such as component replacement) because you need the hands and the help. But lately we’ve been working one to a job.

So first of all right there I’m doing this one job solo which means I am doing all that physical stuff myself. And as the night wears on, I could really start feeling my body giving out. Then I tried to push on a piece of equipment and something in the upper rib bone structure of my chest kind of popped. It doesn’t hurt too much but I can’t really put any weight on it.

I really think there is something wrong with me that I am falling apart like this. I feel like Mr. Glass in that movie “Unbreakable”… the Samuel L Jackson character.

On top of that, the computer system on the jet I was working was kicking my ass. I have been doing this for about two and a half years now and I was trying everything I could think of and I could NOT bring the Avionics “on-line” which means the jet could not fly. I worked on this for 8 hours straight and I barely even took a lunch break. Just enough to wolf down my salmon and veggies but they were good.

So here I am, sore body—popped chest— bad jet — and then after I came home and went to bed at about 8:30am… well at 9:30am I woke up with this weird massive frenzied urge to binge and I totally caved in. I ate about 1200 calories I estimate, which actually is a lot less than I can eat. When there is peanut butter in the house or ice cream I tend to eat those right out of the carton and I could easily rack up 5000-6000 calories in about ten minutes. Sounds bad but it’s true.

Anyway, here I am stuffing my face and I had just sat down with a Lean Pocket when I saw my wife pull up in the car outside and I was embarrassed about being up and eating so I was rushing to “hide” my hotpocket and I went into the bathroom in our master bedroom and I knew she would not come in there at all because she would think I was sleeping and my wife is so good about not waking me up during the day… she is such a sweetie… (okay that’s a positive thing right there!)…

sorry about this post being long, BSers… but bear with me!!!

And I dropped the plate and it broke. So here I am thinking “This is so ridiculous, a grown ass man hiding his worst habit and now I have to clean up this plate and I should have just drank some water or diet cola and gone back to bed!”

I really have to stop this.

Well I did fall back to sleep at about 10am, and when I got up at 3pm I decided not to beat myself up about it and just try to mitigate any damage. So I’m just gonna lower my calories a little to about 1200 today but still eat normally, about three hours apart.

And I will try and do the Gazelle for about 12 miles. So I’m essentially trying to burn off the binge from earlier in an easy , non-guilty way. One thing I have never done is throw up. I don’t know that I could do it but I could see how people get themselves into that situation.

Anyway my wife came home while I was Gazelle-ing and we talked and it was SO SO SO hard to admit to her but I told her about the incident with the plate this morning. She could always read this Blog she knows about it but I don’t think she ever does. So I told her and she was like “Oh, honey you know I never judge you for that…” and it’s true. She knows I struggle with my eating… she knows it bugs me that I gained all that weight and lost my abs. But she has never ever made me feel badly for it.

I think I am at least a little bit eating disordered because it does bug me so much that I used to be slim and have abs and everything and now I don’t and in the quest to get that back I seem to have developed this whole binge at night thing. But really I have tried everything and every little trick I have read and people have suggested and I admit it…

I am at the point to where suggestions from others bug me. I appreciate they are only trying to help but really what I need to do is break the habit and on nights when I really want to eat I should eat my celery or pickles and maybe a few sugar-free things. I have proven to myself over and over again that if I can get through that first urge, it goes away and even when I wake up for the day I’m usually not hungry.

I have a theory as to why this happens. I think that about an hour after I fall asleep, my body realizes it will have to dip into fat stores and it releases chemicals that say “NO NO NO! Keep your fat! Wake up and binge!” and that’s why I wake up with a feeding frenzy mindset. But once I ignore it… give myself some water to feel full or maybe some diet soda to satisfy the sweet tooth my body does start to metabolize fat and that causes the hunger to stop.

So : stressful work day plus a binge plus I had to call Medical a million times to leave a message so they will call me back with my lab results. And I bet you anything they don’t ever call me back. I am going to have to go over there I bet.

Okay as if that was not enough, my baby python died. I found him in his cage biting himself. I wrote that he finally ate the other day after a month. Well, I think it was too little too late and he was starving and could not metabolize the mouse fast enough. That is the only thing I can think of since, like I said… the position I found him in he was trying to eat himself it looked like.

And I know to some of you it probably sounds ridiculous but I really really liked the snake and I am very saddened that he died. I want another one but it doesn’t take away the sadness about him dying.

Oh well. At least I still have my wife, my son, television, The Gazelle.

Oh and hey The Biggest Loser comes on tonight and I love that show!

The rest of this week will be better.

I know it was a long post, and I know it was mostly a downer but thanks for reading BSers.

—Matt

you know, BSers… after having such a fantastic week, the last thing I wanted to do was crawl on here on Sunday afternoon and have bad news on the diet front.

Long story short, I had the grand-daddy of all binges last night. I can’t even explain why. I got up at maybe 11pm or so… I was not even that hungry. A diet soda and some Saturday Night Live would have easily satisfied me. And yet… I gave in… in a major way. I know I was not hungry because I did the “hunger test”. That’s where I ask myself if I could eat some celery or carrots or even fruit. You see, my theory is, If I am really hungry and it’s not just a craving you’ll eat those things. But no… I started with some OREO crisps and it was a massive downhill slide from there.

The scale numbers were incredibly cruel this morning and I am extremely dissapointed in myself that I blew my streak.

BUT! I refuse to let it get me permanently down for the day. I was too full to eat breakfast so I just had some coffee with some sugar-free creamer and for lunch I had a spinach salad with tofu which was very good. I have also Gazelled ten miles today. I have to do some things for “damage control” and also the exercise makes me feel better in mood.

I’m watching The Truth About Food on Discovery Health.

You know what? Taking it one day at a time again, and I’m going to see if, just one day at a time… October can be a completely binge-free month!

BTW, had a great time yesterday with my parents and when I took The Boy to the store to look for CDs, he walked right up to the display of “Best Sellers” and picked out the last copy they had of Kanye West’s “Graduation”, which I did not even see!! He grabbed it and held it up to me and so I let him play extra long in the toy car things in front of the grocery store.

Gosh it was so hard to get on here and admit to that terrible binge last night… I was riding such a high and I was so damn proud of myself. I always think I’ve got that habit licked and then… gee… you know… the kind of things I was telling myself last night : “I’ve been so good this week, I deserve this.” <—  That is the thought that triggered it. And then once I started, it was “Oh heck, I’ve already eaten three bagels, cookies, etc… might as well have some peanut butter and waffles…”

I’ve got to learn not to listen to that kind of thing in my head. And I’m not gonna let it keep me down. I refuse to do that!

—Matt

…when you’re busy making other plans.

Well, BSers. I had a rough day at work last night. Only about 50% of things were going right, my boss was frustrated and his frustrations were felt by us and all in all, it just did not go well. Then I was so tired by the time I got out of there at about 8am but I still had errands to run like Dry Cleaning and picking up tix for the AF Ball.

Well I cam home and my wife had already taken my son to DayCare and we chatted for about half an hour and then I went to bed…

Less than an hour later at about 10:30am I woke up with the worst Urge to Binge and I gave in completely. Stuffed my face while watching Whoopi Goldberg on The View. That’s the only channel I could get today. Got back to bed at 11am and slept until 1:45pm when I had to wake up to go to a Med Appt. I was at Med for two hours, mostly just waiting. They extended my profile and prescribed some more meds.

Really, they don’t know… they don’t seem to get it that my pain is caused by nerves and not by anything like muscle spasms. It is getting very very frustrating.

Anyway. So my Dr appt was dissapointing, my foot is hurting again and I binged.

Wow.

Not too great of a Friday, huh?

Well I did get a haircut and now my son and I are just hanging out watching movies. He’s in kind of a bad mood. I made him dinner but he didn’t want to eat. He just wants to lay here with me and watch movies and drink water and juice.

Which is funny… because of my binge earlier I’m not hungry so all I’ve been drinking is water and Crystal Light. I’m probably not going to eat again until breakfast in the morning.

And even though it was an all-out binge, I suspect I may lose weight this week anyway, because at the Doc’s office in their scale it said 162 and that was in the middle of the day with shoes and clothes. Remember I was 161 last week and I was trying to be 158 by tomorrow AM.

I’m not that upset about “falling off” again. I just pick myself up and move on. After the Boy goes to bed, I may try to get in 4 miles for the walking challenge and then I’ll get to bed myself.

Thanks to everyone who congratulated us on the house. My wife ran a few errands for that today like getting Utlities turned on and I think she took a few boxes over there. I have to admit I’m a little frustrated with her this evening because she is downtown volunteering for the Humane Society even when this house needs some general upkeep like laundry and dishes done and she knows how tired and sleep-deprived I get when I am on Graveyard Shift and she knew I would have to get up at 2pm today and yet she still left me with The Boy to watch and the house to clean this evening.

But you know what? She doesn’t do that too often, and to be fair I did tell her I was Okay with her going. I guess I’m just kind of surprised she wanted to do that at all, considering everything else going on.

Well. My son is cranky. He will need a bath. I need to do laundry, clean the kitchen and walk four miles before bedtime. And I will probably write again tomorrow morning.

We’ll see what the scale says…

—Matt

Well, BSers… it has been a very good week for diet and exercise. I don’t know why, but something has “clicked” and I have not gone off the rails in any major way. The hardest part, honestly… is staying off the scale until SAT morning. Part of me wants that instant vindication that what I am doing is working. Remember I was 161 last week and I vowed to be 158 by SAT…

So Tuesday night I walked while watching The Biggest Loser and I am psyched about it’s return to TV. It’s so cool that there are THREE teams this year. Jillian leads this renegade-looking “black team”. That’s just awesome.

Then I did the Biggest Loser workout DVD. Work was absolutely killer on my back last night. I kept having to hook up AGE (Aerospace Ground Equipment) which is all these giant heavy hoses and electrical cables and stuff so that you can fix the jets. I was lit up in so much pain by the time I was supposed to go home at about 7am.

THEN my wife called and said our son was still sick and could I pick him up from DayCare and watch him until she got off work at noon. So here I am, in pain and exhausted and now I’ll have to get The Boy?? But I always tell myself “It could be worse” and I try and make the best of any situation… I mean, I’m lucky to have my little boy so I picked him up and my wife made a Doctor’s appt for him since he has been sick for about four days now. But at his appointment the Doc checked him over and said he seemed fine… no fever and he is eating and drinking normally. So that put us at ease I just wish he felt better in general.

So we layed down together at about 10:30am and tried to nap until Mommie got home @ Noon and then I took a Unisom and conked out until 7:30pm. Woke up and had breakfast (Oatmeal, fruit and coffee with sugar free creamer powder)… cleaned the kitchen, talked to the Wife who is having Work Issues… then I walked for 90 minutes while watching a movie. Just had my “lunch” which is two Boca Burger patties on whole wheat bread, some FF cheese and FF mayo and an apple.

I don’t know how or why but I have avoided all binges this week. I DID find myself up at 3pm with a major Snack-Attack urge, and I had pulled out a LeanPocket, a pack of crackers, and a SlimBear ice cream sandwich and I was intending on eating… even as I had a handful of Cheeze-Its in my hand. But after that first handful, about 15 maybe?? I told myself “No I will not do this! This must END!” because it would NOT have ended with what I mentioned above. I was eating out of habit and maybe stress relief and all NOT REAL HUNGER. I put everything back and drank some water and took a Diet Soda back to bed with me in case I still wanted something sweet but I promptly fell back asleep.

I’ve had these types of streaks before where I stopped bingeing and eating at night and all and then just sort of “relapsed” so part of my brain tells myself it is only a matter of time before I binge again. The negative self-talk says I can’t make this time any different than the 100s of times I have failed before.

But I can’t let myself believe that!  I MUST end this habit and so far so good this week…

I hope you all are having success as well.

—Matt

Well it looks like Hurricane Dean will be headed towards Texas and Mexico, and not towards my side of Florida. I hope those people evacuate and I hope they will all be okay. Things can be replaced but family and friends cannot.

I peeked at the scale and it says “161″ this morning. I know you’re only supposed to expect a weight-loss of 2 pounds per week, but I suspect that if I can enforce my “6:30pm eating cut-off time” every night I could probably drop more than that. At least at first. So that is my secret hope this week. I can enforce the cut-off time and maybe I can make my “mini-goal” of 155 by Sunday.

I’ve noticed that a lot of BuddySlimmers are over 200 pounds but their pictures don’t look it at all. I guess I’m a bad guess-timator at weight. And I am pretty sure I am going to get officially added to the Worker Bees roster this week. That would be cool. It would give me a little bit more accountability.

This morning I am making my weekly “To-Do” list and it seems  a mile long. On top of all the family stuff, the career stuff, and closing on this house, weight-loss always looms in the back of my mind. I have little doubt that the reason I wake up in the dead of night to eat is because of stress. I do not feel stressed at all during the day. But it really gives you a relaxing high to wake up at midnight and eat and eat. You do feel stuffed and guilty afterwards, but in the midst of a binge, it feels pretty good.

But really I need to satisfy myself with some blogging and some lighter alternatives, like herbal tea or diet soda or chewing gum. I know I will never get my flat stomach back eating banana and PB sandwiches at midnight.

So, BuddySlimmers! Let’s kick off Monday right! I’m going to do my brand new Leslie Sansone DVD, eat right (1200-1500 calories today), stop eating past 6:30pm, I may get an extra workout in the afternoon with my Flight, and I may Gazelle while watching Fat March tonight.

—Matt

Earlier today, I already posted with a title from another book, “Best Life”… well, “Fit to Live” is another great book by author Pamela Peeke, who is also the author of “Body for Life for Women” which I have never read. She also appears on Cable TV quite frequently. I read this book a few months ago and really enjoyed it.

What got me thinking of it was reading everyone’s BuddySlim blogs and noticing how often we all eat to compensate for stress in our lives. It’s a really weird concept, if you think about it, and yet we all do it, OR we have to fight like crazy to resist the urge to do it. It’s like this : “Okay well everything else in my life is going badly, so I might as well have a slice of cake and ruin my weight-loss goals, too.”

How does that make any sense? There are plenty of foods out there that taste just as good and also plenty of coping strategies for stress that are way better than a box of donuts. So I’m going to try to be conscious of that in myself and my plans. When am I eating due to stress?

Anyway, the book “Fit to Live” goes into nutrition, stress, exercise, finance, clutter in the home and more. The idea is that all these areas are inter-connected. As you straighten out your weight problems, your finances, your stress… it all goes together. More of that “Best Life” thing.

Also she talks about how the world has changed. Terrorism, Hurricanes, etc… if you had to swim to save your child’s life, could you do it? If you had to rush down 100 flights of stairs could you do it? Could you even fit onto the fire escape? She talks about how we must learn not to use Excuses im our life to eat badly and stop exercising. Because “LIFE” with a big “L” will always happen!!

You will have bad days at work. Your kids will fray your last nerve. You will get that phone call to inform you that Uncle Milton has cancer. It happens. It happens to us all. But we have got to learn to stop turning to food. Healthy food will make us feel even better through trying times, as will exercise. But a bag of Doritos and sitting around does nothing for our stress or our hectic lives and certainly it does not help our waistlines.

I did work out with Leslie Samsone this morning. For breakfast I am having 3 egg whites with fat free cheese and salsa. A cup of mixed fruit. And some coffee with sugar free cocoa to sweeten it.

—Matt