Slimdude

Yeah I changed my avatar again… it’s still David Beckham, but isn’t it cool? He’s all smiley faced, just like me. Last night I went back to bed after writing the below post and I did not binge or snack or anything. Just some water and that Coke Zero.

 So this morning I was in a good mood and woke up a little early and the scale says I am now “145″ pounds. That is only 5 pounds away from my goal. I do not expect to have an 8 pound loss this week. So I am setting a modest goal of 2 more pounds… by next Sunday I will be 143 pounds. And my reward for losing two pounds and CONTINUING my “no-binge / no nite snacking” streak (which is now officially on DAY SEVEN, HURRAY!) will be a dual magazine subscription to DETAILS and GQ. On one hand, I enjoy these two mags a lot. On the other, they do the same thing to my psyche that I’m sure women’s magazines do to women.

 I see the ultra-thin dudes in there and I’m convinced that’s what I have to look like. I know a lot of women have the same issues. The good thing is, with me… if I diet and exercise I can come pretty close. I can’t get all big and huge like Arnold or Sly Stallone but I do a good job of being lean and having abs and everything.

But it has certainly taken work. I’m never gonna sit here and say “Oh I don’t diet. I don’t workout.”

What bullcrap. I hate it when celebrities say that. They are lying their ass off. They do “diet”. Just see Dr. Marc’s current Blog post about Mel B. “Scary Spice”. The stars eat right and they exercise. And what that can’t accomplish they make up for with makeup and hair teams and then airbrushing.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s why it helps to have other areas of focus.  Yes, it is nice when I have abs and a tan and I can fit into size 30 jeans… but I also have planes to fix and a family to take care of.

I did reward myself with the new Britney album. I’m very into dance music. Believe me, I take a lot of flak for it but I’m unapologetic about it. I love Rihanna and Ciara and Madonna and all that uber-flaming “gay” dance music.

So far I’m on the 4th or 5th song and it is really really good. I downloaded it from iTunes, which has the most complicated user interface, I swear. That’s why I’ll never switch to Apple from Microsoft. I can fix computer systems on multi-million dollar warplanes but I can’t master iTunes.

Go figure.

Time for some BlogSurfing.

—Matt

My third entry for Saturday. It’s about 11pm and yes, I did wake up and the thought occured to me to get in that kitchen and find some leftovers. Oh, how easy it would be to grab a whole sleeve of crackers and dip them all in that yummy yummy French Onion dip. Or have a big slice of pumpkin pie, topped with ice cream and whipped topping. Oh and that would be so good why not follow it up with Apple Pie! More ice cream and more whipped topping! Oh wait here is some mashed potatoes and mac and cheese Why Not I’ve Already Blown It, Right?

Aha! So here is where those rolls went, hmmm… oh here’s some cheese to put on those, oh there are cookies in here, too? Mmmm let’s see about ten cookies with some milk.

See where I am going with this?

But instead… a Vanilla Coke Zero… some BlogSurfing… and back to bed…

Tomorrow morning should be a great weigh-in. I did very good this week, despite being told I have seven fractured ribs, my exercise went way down… but I did eat right and NO BINGES. Tomorrow morning will make one full week.

Sorry, oh delicious high carb Halloween Candy, but somebody else will have to enjoy your sinful sweetness on another day.

—Matt

Well, I do not know how much I will be able to Blog and Blog-Surf because it is already 6:15am and my son will probably wake up soon.

I went for a mild walk this morning… I think I covered three miles, which means I officially completed The Thanksgiving Walking Challenge. But I’ll still keep track of how many more miles I can get before then.

I am in kind-of a lot of pain this morning. Stiffness in the knees and left foot. Lower back is mildly sore and of course the rest of the crap-ola from my ribs. But at least now I know. Even as I was walking this morning I found myself wondering if perhaps I couldn’t at least do some biceps curls or something like that… it is going to be really hard for me to just “take it easy” these next few months.

The great news is, almost a week has passed since my last binge and my eating has been right on-point. This morning the scale says “144″. I wonder if that is a fluke? Tomorrow is my “official” weigh-in day, so I’ll update my ticker tomorrow.

Now I am going to try and see how many Blogs I can visit before my son gets up. My S-I-L is here staying with us. The rest of my In-Laws are at a campground about 30 minutes away. We are all supposed to spend the day together and I am looking forward to that.

Have a Great Weekend, BSers.

—Matt

Hey did that title get anyone’s attention? I like some ribs… once in a while…

Well guess what, I had forgotten my cell phone at work and when I got in there were multiple messages for me to call the hospital to discuss my CT Scan results. The messages sounded urgent and dire. So that was kind of distracting all night…

Then as soon as I got home at 7:30am work called and said the hospital called them and told them I had to come in ASAP. So my wife and I went and dropped off our son and then went to the hospital.

So are you ready for this, BSers?

I have SEVEN broken ribs! Four places in the back on my right, two on the left and one up top in the front. I have had them for at least 2 months, according to the radiologist.

They wanted to know how in the WORLD did I break seven ribs, and I have no idea. But this explains so much. When they first said that, I was thinking “I don’t have any chest pains…” but these breaks are all in the BACK of my ribcage. Except for that one.

So on one hand this is good news. I am not crazy. I have been working out and doing my job with SEVEN broken ribs! Last night on “Last One Standing” that Raiko guy had a broken rib and he was in so much pain he could not continue wrestling. He did not know it was a broken rib at the time… just like I had no idea.

So gentle walking is now the ONLY form of exercise I will engage in. No more throwing myself around with Leslie and no more Power 90 or weights or anything. Until I heal. I probably would have healed already except for all my doctors kept MISSING this until the radiologist caught it on my last X-ray and ordered the CT scan.

They also X-rayed my lower back this morning to make sure I have just pulled a muscle and I didn’t have any disc problems there.

Okay, so this is a good thing. Now we know. Matt is not insane. Matt is in pain because he has seven broken ribs. He can heal and then maybe by January ‘08 I can start working on running and lifting and all that again. This is great.

Except for one small thing : WHAT is causing my bones and joints to do this? Remember I already had “mild degeneration” in my discs in my neck. BUT perhaps those are not causing ANY of my back pain. Then my left foot hurts sometimes and my knees ache.

So we need to figure out if there is something there causing me to break bones and my joints to have issues.

So more blood tests were done and I now have a referral to get a complete bone scan done. I should be able to do that before the year is out.

It is so nice to finally have some answers. I can go in and be like “Look, I’m not a pansy! I’ve had seven broken ribs FOR MONTHS now and I’ve still been working hard!”

Now to figure out HOW and WHY.

—Matt

 P.S. A bonus joke : God was looking down on Adam, all alone in the Garden of Eden and He said “Adam, you look so sad. What’s the matter?”

Adam said ” Well God, I’m lonely.”

And God said ” Well Adam, I can make you a mate. Someone beautiful and intelligent. Someone who will kindly take care of you and cater to all your needs. All it will cost you is you whole arm and a few toes…”

And Adam said “Gee God, that’s a lot…. what can I get for just a rib?”

Ba-dum-ching!

So last nite not one kid came to our door Trick-or-Treating. So now I have bowls of candy just sitting around my house. Fortunately, I don’t even like most of it. One weird candy we have is these little gummy fruit snacks. And two people have said “Oh well instead of candy that’s good…” and I am looking at them like “are you serious?”

So people REALLY think stuff like Gummy Fruit Snacks and Fruit Roll-Ups are fruit and not candy? That is so bizarre to me.

I did my CT scan this morning and when I layed down on that thing the lady had me shift my body downward towards the end of the table thingie and when I did my back spasmed like never before. I was in so much pain I thought I was going to cry.

It took me forever to get up after the scan and I kept apologizing to the lady , I was very embarrassed and in so much pain but I just could not get up. Finally, I managed to shift my body weight and turn sideways and push myself up.

Got home and took a Flexeril and Unisom and conked out until about 3:30pm and I actually felt so much better that I Gazelled one mile and did the Two Mile DVD walk.

As far as diet goes, I have not gotten up and eaten and I have not binged.

Thanks for everyone stopping by and offering supportive comments.

I’m thinking of re-training into a new job field because fixin’ planes is just too physically difficult.

Keep on movin and groovin, BSers.

—Matt

That’s what I’m drinking right now as I Blog, and it is my current favorite diet soda. I know not everyone is a fan of diet soda, but I am. I drank diet soda the first two times I lost weight and I have had it consistently as I lose weight this time.

I know that I said I would stay off the scale until Sunday but I have to reveal that I’ve been peeking… the highest weight was “150″ and the lowest was “147″ so far this week. So even with no exercise, my diet has been good enough to where I have met that little goal of three pounds this week.

In a way, I knew I would because my weight is really around “150″ and it was just high on Sunday morning because I binged so badly Saturday night.

But it’s already Wednesday and I have not binged or cheated on my diet, even though it’s very hard right now because our house is full of brownies and candies.

My lower back is still kind of sore. But now more in a way after you get in a good workout. Like a constant ache rather than spasms. I worked last night and I didn’t carry anything heavier than our lap-tops. But these are like industrial weight military lap-tops. I also had to climb in and out of the cockpit to do avionics checks and that was relatively hard also.

Also my shoulders and neck have been really bad … a lot of pins and needles and sparking action… not sure if it’s related to the back thing or not. But when I looked it up online there are so many types of arthritis and so many drugs they can try and use.  I am going to seek out a chiropractor also… I don’t want this thing to get worse but I think a Chiro might be able to help.

In addition, Med called and said they want to do a CT scan after “re-evaluating” my last X-ray. I took that X-Ray a week ago at least. It kind of scares me they want to “re-evaluate” ??? Something about “abnormal cartilege.”

I am also supposed to see a Rheumatologist before the end of the year.

I would like to find out what is the cause of all this. All these aches and pains. And have it be NON-fatal and TREATABLE.

Nevertheless, I managed to fix both planes I was on last night and when I woke up today at 3:30pm I Gazelled 4 miles. My back didn’t spasm so I was okay.

Tonight I am supposed to go to the gym and I think I will try the elliptical first and if that is too harsh I will try the recumbent bike.

Oh and should I recap The Biggest Loser? I guess I will keep watching it after all. I can’t believe they kept Neil AND let him use that weight-loss.

Oh well.

—Matt

Well, I wrote this really long post earlier but now it’s gone. Don’t know how that happened. My back was so bad last night I used my “Day Off” from working weekend duty. It’s still pretty bad. I want to exercise so badly but I’m telling myself to take the week off.

Still… last night my wife told me, not in a mean way… but she said she has to start thinking of me as handicapped. And I was like “Well… this lower back problem is not the same thing as my other stuff…” but she had to do all the Boy stuff yesterday while I layed on the couch.

But I could not stand to hear that she thought of me as crippled in any way so today I was putting dishes away and I helped her with the grocery shopping and everything else.

I tried to stay up all night last night and watch TV and eat my normal meals and it worked out very well. Tatiana is right you have to be careful when you are just bored watching TV on the couch, you want to snack mindlessly. Believe me, the chips and dip and tiny candies from the weekend party were calling my name. But I resisted and just drank diet soda in between snacks and meals. I think I ate about 1300 calories.

Then this morning I could not fall asleep because I kept falling asleep on the couch last night. So I helped my wife take The Boy to school and then we ran errands that included grocery shopping. Her lower back is also hurting her in a minor way lately so I have been giving her lower back massages.

Okay this part is kind of private and all but it’s funny so I’m going to share. After our afternoon errands we took a bath together and then we were going to get “romatic” but both our backs were hurting and then it was too funny because we could not find any good position that did not hurt one or both of us, so we ended up laughing so much it just became “cuddle time” because the mood just changed so much.

Ahhh, it’s good to be married to someone that you can laugh like that with.

Anyway.

Tonight is the Biggest Loser. I am so used to exercising during the whole program it will be hard to just sit on the couch. I really hate this.

I tried some Capasizn or whatever it is called with the pepper in the balm… and it is horrible! It doesn’t work at all. It just makes your skin burn. And not in a soothing way like IcyHot or BenGay. It just BURNS so in addition to your muscle pain your skin is burning as well. And it’s hard to wash off so everything you touch also burns.

This weekend my wife’s Dad’s side is coming. We like her Dad and his wife. And we like her sister, who is just back from Iraq. But some of the people coming are very judgemental and very materialistic. My wife is anxious because our “new” home is a Manufactured Home. It’s not like we live in a run-down trailer, it’s a nice house. But my wife is so worried because it’s not all hardwood floors and fireplaces and plasma screen TVs.

We put our time and resources into each other, our family, our son, and my wife’s education and my Air Force career. Her family does not have kids or anything like what we have. Our values are completely different. We would spend our weekends volunteering or out at the park with our son.

They would spend it shopping for brand new clothes and  cars and stuff.

But she is worried. I love her so much. I hope she’ll be okay this weekend.

—Matt

Good morning, BSers. Two posts ago I blogged about how frustrated I was with my Chronic Pain issues and how so many of my dreams might be slipping away. But as I read my own post, I became sort of inspired.

I am now determined that, no matter what, I will push through these issues and get things done. I will live my life bravely and positively and I have even decided that I will be able to come off my “waivers” and be able to run and jog and do push-ups and sit-ups. I am going to work at it.

 For instance, even though this morning I feel about as mobile as the Tin Man on the Wizard of Oz, I am going to clean up the kitchen and then I am going to have myself a little “less-than-macho” dance party with Leslie Sansone.

I have to work today. I hope I am off tomorrow. Tonight is our Halloween Party and you should see all the treats my wife has made. Our kitchen literally looks like a bakery. There are cookies and muffins and brownies and cupcakes and all kinds of stuff laid out everywhere. It is going to be hard but I think I can resist.

One musical artist I really like is Bjork. She’s an aquired taste, if you’re not too familiar with her music. Probably her most “commercially accessable” album is “Post” or perhaps “Homogenic” but lately they’ve been really bizarre. I didn’t even buy “Volta” which came out earlier this year and had the Timbaland collaboration “Space Intruders” on it.

But she has this song from way back called “One Day” where the lyrics are kind of cryptic but basically… that’s how I’m feeling right now and I’ll explain.

I’m fairly tired after coming off a week of working Graveyard shift. My left shoulder and chest area are extremely sore and so is my left foot. I did not get home and get to bed until almost 10:30am today and I had intended to wake up at 1:30pm in order to go to my son’s class Halloween party. But then I woke up almost immediately at 11am with this urge to binge and … for a second I had a conscious thought of trying to fight it… but then I gave in and had some pizza, two bowls of cereal, 6 cookies, a few bowls of pudding mixed with sweet potato filling (which was delicious, by the way) some ice cream sandwiches, a lean pocket and probably more stuff I cannot even recall.

All this was while watching “Work Out!” with that hot lesbian trainer on Bravo! talk about your irony there. “Stuff your face while watching hot people get in shape! Woo-hooo!”

But then I was so full I was actually kind of ill… but then I made a decision NOT to feel bad or guilty, and “get back on track” right away. I think some people would think that this ruins everything and they’d wait until Monday but I never do that.

I have struggled with this binge thing for a while now so I know

#1. It’s not the end of the world.

#2. Just start over right away with your next breath, your next meal, your next exercise session.

So since it was about noonish, and I am so so so freaking full, I decided I probably just won’t eat again until breakfast Saturday morning. No big deal. I have “weekend duty” so I’ll be on dayshift tomorrow and Sunday.

The Halloween party is tomorrow night and we are making lots of junk food but I think for me personally I probably just won’t eat any. We’ll see… I’m not sweating it.

Also when I stepped on the scale it still says “150″ and this is with all that food and everything still “in there” so that is really good. I’m in a good mood and I’m not going to Gazelle or anything this evening I am just fatigued and sore I’m just taking it easy. My wife and son are up and making treats for tomorrow evening’s party and our friend is over with her daughter so it’s just going to be a relaxing evening with the family until I fall asleep.

In other news… I made the decision to tell my bosses at work about my Medical Problems and they are trying to be understanding but at the same time it IS the military so I think it is ruffling a few feathers that I am unable to do the more physical aspects of my job… and last night one of my co-workers actually said to me “So I hear you’re making up new forms of arthritis now…” and I was really upset and pissed off at that for a while. Because it means that everybody in my shop probably knows now and secondly there must be at least a few who think I am full of crap.

It is very frustrating to wake up every day in some degree of pain. I am not on any serious painkillers at all. Every freaking movement I make is pain to some degree. If I have to pick something off the floor, get in and out of my car, the simplest movements cause me pain somewhere on my body every moment of my life.

I did not ask for this but I choose to be positive and smile and tell people I am just fine. I continue to try and work out as best I can on any given day. I continue to hobble my ass all over work fixing these planes as best I can without complaining.

How do they think it makes me feel on my really bad days when I can’t pick up my son. Sometimes my wife will do things like pick him up and twirl him around and I can’t do that stuff anymore. Taking out a bag of trash is a major chore. It’s not that I am too weak to do these things, it is that it causes me a lot of pain.

And somebody has the nerve to say something like that to me. I was very very angry for a while but fortunately last night I had a job where I was assigned to update some software on the jet so I got to sit in this CLASSIFIED room for a while by myself while working on the computer and just sit there and stew, which honestly helped.

They are trying to assign me jobs where the most physical thing I have to do is carry around the heavy-ass laptops we have and maybe climb up and down the ladder to the cockpit.

Sometimes I think “Geez, this is so sad… I can’t even climb up and down a ladder without pain.” And it’s true but I don’t think they understand that. I REFUSE to go in there and complain about everything so I think they truly do not understand the extent to which I am in pain all the time.

 And by the way, I really appreciate you listening. I don’t like to burden the people in my “real life” with these types of “woe is me” complaining, but I feel like my journal on BS gives me a place to share how I really feel.

I really feel like I am making the best of this situation as I can. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or what I have or anything. I can’t help it this but I am doing exactly what the Air Force taught me : adapt and overcome.

Good news : I got my first achievement medal.

—Matt

Okay here is the thing : It is said that to have a Samurai / Bushido mindset you are supposed to live each day like it is your last. Right?

Okay then. I keep reading where sometimes people who suffer from extreme arthritis or pain conditions (whatever it is I have…) have to “pace themselves”. And that is true. On these days when I Gazelle, like… 10 miles and then I’m mowing the lawn outside and everything… well by the time it’s bedtime believe me I am in a lot of pain.

So maybe the next day I’m completely hurting from the start, right?

So they say on your “good days” to pace yourself so you won’t have a bad day the next day. But me, I get to feeling like “Oh I can tolerate the pain pretty well today.” and I end up doing all kinds of stuff I maybe shouldn’t. This week, Sunday was good but then Monday night I popped my chest. These past few days I’ve been in a lot more pain and discomfort but we have been having a lot of rain so I think that may aggravate it.

Well okay I’m on a profile now and I might get discharged from the military for all these medical problems and I hate that. It takes so much away from my pride and masculinity that basically all I can do is Gazelle. I haven’t even been able to do the Leslie Sansone DVDs. I can sort of lift my son, he’s about 30 pounds but that is my thresh-hold these days.

I suppose — from what I’ve read on the Net and Wiki, a lot of pain conditions will be bad for a week and then go into remission. So I keep reminding myself that Sunday I felt really really good into Monday and that will return.

Maybe I should be more “Tao” about things. Instead of wanting to Gazelle a Marathon, perhaps I should use that time and energy to do something less physical that would mean something to the world. Like maybe spend the 8 hours writing letters to children or something. Or something like that.

Because Gazelle-ing 8 hours is going to kill me for the rest of that weekend.

I need to get away from the mindset that these physical accomplishments define me.

I guess… before when I was so athletic and slim physicality was so important to me… being slim still is and I am getting there slowly but surely. But I just can’t do too much physically anymore.

As sad as it sound, sometimes GAzelle-ing briskly for an hour or two is very very difficult.

I need to find some new focuses besides working out, physical stuff… I need to redefine who I am—

Perhaps I will make a rule to limit myself to 90 minutes of formal exercise at the most each day. And I should maybe focus more on my family, spirituality, and humanitarian things.

Any suggestions as to hobbies or good charities or good projects would be mucho appreciated.

—Matt