Slimdude

Just some random thoughts for this Wednesday night:

*I’m loving the new Britney album. It’s almost too catchy for it’s own damn good. I love a great pop album and this certainly is it. There are at least ten radio-ready hits on it if not more.

*My son was in a terribly bratty mood today. We all went out to Po Folks for dinner. I’m not crazy about Po Folks and to tell you the truth, I really wanted my oatmeal for… well… it’s my breakfast but everyone else’s dinner… because it was about 6pm. But I went because being with my family is more important that my stupid oatmeal. But my son (who is almost two) was being so moody and whiny today. The final straw was at 8pm tonight I was willing to share my Vitalicious brownie with him. I had my brownie and some no-sugar added choc ice cream as my “snack” and he wanted to hold the spoon but I would not let him so he pitched a fit. His mother and I had had enough so he went to bed a half hour early. We were suprised he conked right out after we left the room. Guess the poor guy was just too tired today. But I am not going to be terrorized by a two year old, no matter how much I love the little dude.

*My work has been so supportive of me healing from this rib injury. They harrass me in fun about being “crippled” but they know I must be in a lot of pain with seven broken ribs. Their favorite joke is about my wife beating me. But my wife reports that if she had hit me with a bat, she would have made damn sure it was 9 ribs broken instead of just 7. Hahahaha. What a funny gal.

*I do have Squadron PC tonight, but all I do is ride the recumbent bike. To tell you the truth, the rib thing IS painful, especially the longer I am awake and moving around, but the lower back issues are what is really getting to me. It is a bitch to reach down for something or lift something as simple as a gallon of freaking milk and have your lower back painfully spasm. I really hate this. I feel like an invalid.

*I am sort of digging the new NBC show, Phenomenon. The one where spoon-bending sensation Uri Gellar and Mind Freek Cris Angel look for our next great magician slash illusionist.

*The Biggest Loser was rather uneventful this week. The product placement was decent, Jenn-O turkey. Never had it but it looks okay. The going green idea was kind of neat.

*I love having my Sister in Law here. The Boy adores her. It’s really weird that her husband has gone to stay on the other side of Florida because he wants to play golf with their Dad. He actually told my SiL that our home is “trashy”. I can’t believe that. Our home is very clean and it looks great! But I think it’s because we live in a “manufactured” home. He thinks it is beneath him to stay here. I am really stunned because I don’t run into many people with his mentality. I am always thinking about impoverished kids in Darfur or whatever, and most Americans I know have the same mindset… very charitable and non-judgemental. But this guy is way up into things like rims on cars and video games and all that. The more bling the better.

And what really pisses me off is the way he treats my SiL. My SiL and my wife are twins. And they are different personality-wise, but I love them both so much. And I think my SiL deserves to have someone who will adore her and take care of her and make her feel special the way I try to do with my wife. But he doesn’t. She completely dotes on him and he acts like he could not give two farts about anything she wants and it really makes me sad.

Oh well. Some women just put up with too much from assholes because they don’t think they deserve better. But they do.

We all do.

—Matt

P.S. In weight-related news, still no binges and the scale said “142″ today when I first got up at 3pm. I’m elated to be so damn close but on the other I think I’m probably dropping weight too fast. Maybe 1500 calories is a little too low. But then again, I’m so close I can start playing with “maintenance calories” soon enough…

I was just watching that BBC in America show, “You are What You Eat.” I love that show. I’m so glad we have Knowlogy Cable now, it is so much better than any other cable company we’ve ever had.

There is a bottle of pee in my fridge because of the “24-hour urine collection” test the hospital ordered. I can’t tell you how bizarre that is to have this big red bottle in there.

I did Gazelle 5 miles today and I see a few people stopped by to read my Blog from this morning. I’ve just been really happy with myself lately because I’ve been managing to get some exercise in and eat right. I have not had a binge in over a week now, and I’m super psyched about that.

My S-i-L is staying with us right now. She’s also in the AF and she just got back from a 6-month tour in Iraq. The job she does is one of the less dangerous jobs over there, but that relatively speaking. She was in more danger every day over there than I have been here in Florida, that’s for sure. It’s so nice having her stay with us but what is weird is her husband is “not comfortable” here so he has elected to stay in a Hotel in town.

They have a weird relationship. He’s kind of “stuck up” so part of the reason he won’t stay here is because we live in a manufactured home. I love my house. It’s not like a run-down redneck trailer. It’s a nice house. But he won’t stay here at all. He also doesn’t like any of her family.

Now, I have known my wife and her family for over ten years now. We met in high school and have been together ever since. We got married in 2001. I love my In-Laws very much. But my Brother-in-Law, the one we are talking about… he doesn’t really like them. He’s a weird guy to figure out. He seems kind of nice but he also is very insistent on having his way. They’ve been married two years now I think. He spends a lot of $$$ on clothes and gadgets, golf and massages. They make more than we do but it’s not like they are “rollin in the dough”.

Hmmm…

Anyway, I really liked the new Britney Spears album, although certain tracks sound like cast-offs from Timbalands’s “Shock Value” album. “Danja” is the name of one of Brit’s producers on this album, and he is a Timbaland protege, and it sounds it…

It’s very dancey in a mid-90s synth kind of way. “Radar” and “Heaven on Earth” really stick out so far. As a parent, I just hope she straightens up her act in that respect because she is missing out.

I love being a Dad.

—Matt

Yeah I changed my avatar again… it’s still David Beckham, but isn’t it cool? He’s all smiley faced, just like me. Last night I went back to bed after writing the below post and I did not binge or snack or anything. Just some water and that Coke Zero.

 So this morning I was in a good mood and woke up a little early and the scale says I am now “145″ pounds. That is only 5 pounds away from my goal. I do not expect to have an 8 pound loss this week. So I am setting a modest goal of 2 more pounds… by next Sunday I will be 143 pounds. And my reward for losing two pounds and CONTINUING my “no-binge / no nite snacking” streak (which is now officially on DAY SEVEN, HURRAY!) will be a dual magazine subscription to DETAILS and GQ. On one hand, I enjoy these two mags a lot. On the other, they do the same thing to my psyche that I’m sure women’s magazines do to women.

 I see the ultra-thin dudes in there and I’m convinced that’s what I have to look like. I know a lot of women have the same issues. The good thing is, with me… if I diet and exercise I can come pretty close. I can’t get all big and huge like Arnold or Sly Stallone but I do a good job of being lean and having abs and everything.

But it has certainly taken work. I’m never gonna sit here and say “Oh I don’t diet. I don’t workout.”

What bullcrap. I hate it when celebrities say that. They are lying their ass off. They do “diet”. Just see Dr. Marc’s current Blog post about Mel B. “Scary Spice”. The stars eat right and they exercise. And what that can’t accomplish they make up for with makeup and hair teams and then airbrushing.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s why it helps to have other areas of focus.  Yes, it is nice when I have abs and a tan and I can fit into size 30 jeans… but I also have planes to fix and a family to take care of.

I did reward myself with the new Britney album. I’m very into dance music. Believe me, I take a lot of flak for it but I’m unapologetic about it. I love Rihanna and Ciara and Madonna and all that uber-flaming “gay” dance music.

So far I’m on the 4th or 5th song and it is really really good. I downloaded it from iTunes, which has the most complicated user interface, I swear. That’s why I’ll never switch to Apple from Microsoft. I can fix computer systems on multi-million dollar warplanes but I can’t master iTunes.

Go figure.

Time for some BlogSurfing.

—Matt

One musical artist I really like is Bjork. She’s an aquired taste, if you’re not too familiar with her music. Probably her most “commercially accessable” album is “Post” or perhaps “Homogenic” but lately they’ve been really bizarre. I didn’t even buy “Volta” which came out earlier this year and had the Timbaland collaboration “Space Intruders” on it.

But she has this song from way back called “One Day” where the lyrics are kind of cryptic but basically… that’s how I’m feeling right now and I’ll explain.

I’m fairly tired after coming off a week of working Graveyard shift. My left shoulder and chest area are extremely sore and so is my left foot. I did not get home and get to bed until almost 10:30am today and I had intended to wake up at 1:30pm in order to go to my son’s class Halloween party. But then I woke up almost immediately at 11am with this urge to binge and … for a second I had a conscious thought of trying to fight it… but then I gave in and had some pizza, two bowls of cereal, 6 cookies, a few bowls of pudding mixed with sweet potato filling (which was delicious, by the way) some ice cream sandwiches, a lean pocket and probably more stuff I cannot even recall.

All this was while watching “Work Out!” with that hot lesbian trainer on Bravo! talk about your irony there. “Stuff your face while watching hot people get in shape! Woo-hooo!”

But then I was so full I was actually kind of ill… but then I made a decision NOT to feel bad or guilty, and “get back on track” right away. I think some people would think that this ruins everything and they’d wait until Monday but I never do that.

I have struggled with this binge thing for a while now so I know

#1. It’s not the end of the world.

#2. Just start over right away with your next breath, your next meal, your next exercise session.

So since it was about noonish, and I am so so so freaking full, I decided I probably just won’t eat again until breakfast Saturday morning. No big deal. I have “weekend duty” so I’ll be on dayshift tomorrow and Sunday.

The Halloween party is tomorrow night and we are making lots of junk food but I think for me personally I probably just won’t eat any. We’ll see… I’m not sweating it.

Also when I stepped on the scale it still says “150″ and this is with all that food and everything still “in there” so that is really good. I’m in a good mood and I’m not going to Gazelle or anything this evening I am just fatigued and sore I’m just taking it easy. My wife and son are up and making treats for tomorrow evening’s party and our friend is over with her daughter so it’s just going to be a relaxing evening with the family until I fall asleep.

In other news… I made the decision to tell my bosses at work about my Medical Problems and they are trying to be understanding but at the same time it IS the military so I think it is ruffling a few feathers that I am unable to do the more physical aspects of my job… and last night one of my co-workers actually said to me “So I hear you’re making up new forms of arthritis now…” and I was really upset and pissed off at that for a while. Because it means that everybody in my shop probably knows now and secondly there must be at least a few who think I am full of crap.

It is very frustrating to wake up every day in some degree of pain. I am not on any serious painkillers at all. Every freaking movement I make is pain to some degree. If I have to pick something off the floor, get in and out of my car, the simplest movements cause me pain somewhere on my body every moment of my life.

I did not ask for this but I choose to be positive and smile and tell people I am just fine. I continue to try and work out as best I can on any given day. I continue to hobble my ass all over work fixing these planes as best I can without complaining.

How do they think it makes me feel on my really bad days when I can’t pick up my son. Sometimes my wife will do things like pick him up and twirl him around and I can’t do that stuff anymore. Taking out a bag of trash is a major chore. It’s not that I am too weak to do these things, it is that it causes me a lot of pain.

And somebody has the nerve to say something like that to me. I was very very angry for a while but fortunately last night I had a job where I was assigned to update some software on the jet so I got to sit in this CLASSIFIED room for a while by myself while working on the computer and just sit there and stew, which honestly helped.

They are trying to assign me jobs where the most physical thing I have to do is carry around the heavy-ass laptops we have and maybe climb up and down the ladder to the cockpit.

Sometimes I think “Geez, this is so sad… I can’t even climb up and down a ladder without pain.” And it’s true but I don’t think they understand that. I REFUSE to go in there and complain about everything so I think they truly do not understand the extent to which I am in pain all the time.

 And by the way, I really appreciate you listening. I don’t like to burden the people in my “real life” with these types of “woe is me” complaining, but I feel like my journal on BS gives me a place to share how I really feel.

I really feel like I am making the best of this situation as I can. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or what I have or anything. I can’t help it this but I am doing exactly what the Air Force taught me : adapt and overcome.

Good news : I got my first achievement medal.

—Matt

you know, BSers… after having such a fantastic week, the last thing I wanted to do was crawl on here on Sunday afternoon and have bad news on the diet front.

Long story short, I had the grand-daddy of all binges last night. I can’t even explain why. I got up at maybe 11pm or so… I was not even that hungry. A diet soda and some Saturday Night Live would have easily satisfied me. And yet… I gave in… in a major way. I know I was not hungry because I did the “hunger test”. That’s where I ask myself if I could eat some celery or carrots or even fruit. You see, my theory is, If I am really hungry and it’s not just a craving you’ll eat those things. But no… I started with some OREO crisps and it was a massive downhill slide from there.

The scale numbers were incredibly cruel this morning and I am extremely dissapointed in myself that I blew my streak.

BUT! I refuse to let it get me permanently down for the day. I was too full to eat breakfast so I just had some coffee with some sugar-free creamer and for lunch I had a spinach salad with tofu which was very good. I have also Gazelled ten miles today. I have to do some things for “damage control” and also the exercise makes me feel better in mood.

I’m watching The Truth About Food on Discovery Health.

You know what? Taking it one day at a time again, and I’m going to see if, just one day at a time… October can be a completely binge-free month!

BTW, had a great time yesterday with my parents and when I took The Boy to the store to look for CDs, he walked right up to the display of “Best Sellers” and picked out the last copy they had of Kanye West’s “Graduation”, which I did not even see!! He grabbed it and held it up to me and so I let him play extra long in the toy car things in front of the grocery store.

Gosh it was so hard to get on here and admit to that terrible binge last night… I was riding such a high and I was so damn proud of myself. I always think I’ve got that habit licked and then… gee… you know… the kind of things I was telling myself last night : “I’ve been so good this week, I deserve this.” <—  That is the thought that triggered it. And then once I started, it was “Oh heck, I’ve already eaten three bagels, cookies, etc… might as well have some peanut butter and waffles…”

I’ve got to learn not to listen to that kind of thing in my head. And I’m not gonna let it keep me down. I refuse to do that!

—Matt

I have decided that since I have done do well this week and dropped to 151 pounds I get to buy Timbaland’s Album “Shock Value” and Kanye’s new one, “Graduation”.

I am very excited this morning because I did my 4 Mile “fast walk” DVD with Leslie… my Dad and Step-Mom are here visiting. Today we are going to the Zoo. I did not binge all week long and tonight will make seven days in a row.

Last night I even had some Rum and Low-Carb Full Throttle… I just worked it into my calorie budget for yesterday, which was pretty generous considering I lifted weights AND walked 8 miles in all. Not counting the chasing around my son in the backyard.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

—Matt

This morning I watched Depeche Mode’s “Exciter : Live from Paris” concert while doing the Gazelle thing. Knocked out five more miles so I’m up 25 total and I need to get to 300 by Thanksgiving. I really like Depeche Mode. I think they are my favorite band.

I also did 19 push-ups and 22 sit-ups. They are not as hard on my neck and back as you might think. But I am still pretty weak. In BAsic Training I could do nearly 100 of each in one minute. I really would like to be able to do about 50 in a minute for my test in November. So I am trying to practice them as often as possible. Push-Ups and Sit-Ups are the types of exercises that you only get better at them if you do them often. You don’t need to take “rest days” from doing just one set of push-ups.

I think tomorrow I will do Leslie Sansone’s 2 Mile Walk DVD  followed by the Biggest Loser DVD STrength workout DVD. It automatically has a warm-up and a cool-down and the actual weight part is 20 minutes which is about the most I can do these days before I am in too much discomfort to continue.

This Friday is the Air Force Ball and for those who do not know, the USAF turns 60 this year! It became a seperate service from the Army in 1947. I am happy about the Ball because my wife has a wonderful dress and she will look stunning.

I hope I will be 152 pounds… mind you that my “Blues” were issued to me when I was 140 pounds, so it will still be a tight fit, but at least it won’t be like it was before when I was in the 160s. Talk about sucking in your gut!

Well, BSers, here I am at 11:30pm at night. And I’m just sitting here watching SNL and reading Blogs. I knew I was going to end up waking up so before I went to bed I made a plan in my head that if I got up I would only eat “good” things if I wanted to nosh, and walk on my Gazelle.

And I did that. I had two stalks of celery with salsa and then a sugar free Creamsicle and then I just didn’t feel hungry at all. I did one mile on the Gazelle before I decided I just feel too tired to continue. I’ll do some more in the morning. I think SNL is a re-run and really I should just get to bed.

Today went well. I did The Biggest Loser DVD… the resistance parts with weights and I can only do about 10 pounds in each hand and I went for about 30 minutes before I was just too uncomfortable to continue. I looked on Amazon.Com for some Pilates DVDs. I am familiar with the concepts of Pilates but I have never done a Pilates DVD before. I wonder if it would give me good training without the pain of straight-up weight training? They have two DVDs marketed especially for men that I am considering. I think that something that combines the Core Type training and flexibility and all of Pilates might be really good for me at this point in my life.

After the Boy woke up, we had a snack of celery and salsa ( i know it sounds weird, but I love to dip fresh veggies like celery, cucumber, broccoli, and cauliflower in salsa) and some microwave popcorn… you know, the 100-cal packs… oh and he had some yogurt but he started rubbing it in his hair which he has never done before. It was funny but messy.

Then we danced to videos on YouTube. His favorite artist is Gwen Stefani by far. He loves the song she does with Akon, “The Sweet Escape”. Also we heard the new Britney Spears song, “Gimme More”… and it is pretty good.

Hey ya’ll remember that Kimkins Diet plan thing that was so popular in low-carb arenas? Well she’s all up in controversy now because they say her pictures are not really her, and she was giving bad diet advice, like eat only 900 calories a day, and crazy stuff like that.

Well I had some Rum and Crystal Lite lemonade today. It’s my own version of a margarita. If you have never even thought of it but you like to have a drink or two in moderation like I do, try using clear rum like Bacardi and measure out 1 oz and mix it with a pack of Crystal Lite-to-Go lemonade (or really any flavor you want) and enough water and ice and you will feel like you are on a cruise! Rum is very low in calories but high in alcohol content so each drink is only about 70 calories and you get buzzed easily. I had two drinks but even with that I think my calories are about 1600 today.

I do not believe in depriving myself, I just find creative ways to get to indulge in things I enjoy, like an occasional drink. I won’t go out and have a 500 calorie margarita, I’ll have 2 fake ones instead for about 140 calories. It’s about making lifestyle changes, my friends.

Oh and The Wife is so excited. She has decided she wants to become a Dental Hygienist. I think that is how you spell it. She wants to go back to school full time in  2008. My wife has sort of floated from one thing to another ever since she left The Navy in 2005. She currently bakes but I guess now she wants to Clean Teeth.

Whatever she does, I support her. I wish she’d consider being a nurse. Nurses are hot. But they don’t wear that cool white thing with the white hat any more. They just wear green scrubs.

oh well.

—Matt

I’m a person who gets up pretty early in the morning. For many many years 4am-5am is my wake up time. It has worked out very well for me because the Military often calls on you to keep those early hours, no matter what your job is. I’m not one of those “Roll out of bed at noon” people. Still…

I admit there are many many mornings when I look at my watch or hear my alarm and I cannot believe it is already 4am. I just really want to roll back over and get some more rest. And to be honest, every once in a while I do. But that’s mostly reserved for Sundays. I usually try to motivate myself and get out of bed. It’s gotten even worse this past year after all my pain issues developed.

Oh, that stuff. It is really kind of funny in a way because I believe probably every person on earth has to deal with SOME KIND of issue or another. Maybe you are like Ash and you struggle with your weight and your wife has MS. Or maybe you have cancer or maybe you take care of someone with cancer. Maybe you have one leg or glaucoma. Who knows? I guess my lot in life was to have arthritis that affects my neck and back and shoulders and feet… so far. But the drugs help a bit. And so does moderate exercise once I get going.

I tell myself “I am Rocky Balboa!” even though I’m not, I still kind of hum that Survivor tune, “Eye of the Tiger”… lately I’ve been very into the dancey hip hop music they play on the radio, like P.Diddy’s “Last Nite”, Timbaland’s “The Way I Are” and Kanye West’s “Stronger”.

I am really struggling with the eating at night thing, folks… and to be completely honest, I don’t think I’ve had one night YET in MONTHS when I have not at least nibbled on something if not outright gorged. But I’m hoping I can start “fresh” today, eat right and exercise… if I put in two good days then when we do our weigh-in on Sat I might be 159.

I’d like to lose an average of two pounds per week and this would put me right on-time to be 140 by Nov 3rd. If I lose a little more on some weeks, then great. But I’m only going to look for a loss of two pounds average.

In other news… I saw SuperBad yesterday and it is SuperFunny but be forewarned : there is mucho mucho cussing and vulgarities so if you are the type that is easily offended, skip it.

Also our broker called and everything is good to go with our house! We should be able to close within this next week or so… and then we will start moving in Sept. I am psyched. Our very first home!

—Matt

Bob Greene, Oprah’s trainer… has this book called The Best Life Diet. I am a big fan of Oprah and Bob Greene. I think the way they approach weight-loss, weight maintenance and Life is very healthy and sound. It is exactly what I want. One of the “Rules” Bob Greene, as well as many other trainers and dieticians expound on… is not eating at night. I have a very very bad habit of snacking into the evening and then even getting up at night to eat.

That is one thing I want very badly to conquer. So this week I am going to work really hard on not snacking after dinner. I usually eat dinner between 5pm and 6pm and get to bed by 9pm. I am hoping that by working on this habit my weight will naturally fall back down.

I am listening to a CD I bought yesterday at Target. It is called “Planet Earth” and it is the latest Prince album. I have been a big Prince fan for a long time. I actually started being a fan when he was not even Prince. He was that SYMBOL. Those were the years of “Most Beautiful Girl in the World”. Lately, it’s been up and down for him. A few years ago he released “Rave UN2 The Joy Fantastic” and it could have been huge. Then he did “The Rainbow Children” and that was just horrible. “Musicology” was not too bad, and I really liked “3121″. But I have to say, “Planet Earth” is kind of boring. I’m dissapointed. You know, it’s weird that Justin Timberlake makes music like OLD Prince and Michael Jackson and does a way better job than they do now.

So what are my Plans for this week, and today… to have a “Best Life” ?

Well I am going to work out every day. I will try to do some DVDs, some walking and some strength training. Every morning like clockwork. I wake up between 4 and 4:30am. ALSO I think I am going to make myself (and you lucky Buddyslimmers) a promise. Very often I start these forums and these threads and then I give up when things are going badly for me.

But I promise I will stick with Buddyslim and this Slimdude blog for at least 12 weeks, no matter what. Even if I don’t lose one pound. Even if I gain weight. I do hope that in 12 weeks I will have met my goal of 140 pounds. Or close. The end of 12 weeks from now is November 4th, 2007.

On that date I want to be 140 pounds, done with the worrying about 20 extra pounds. And entering the Hard Zone of Weight Maintenance. Especially during the holidays. That is the season that de-railed me last year. But this year will be different, right?! Yessiree!

So… plans for today :

Workout * Marriage Counseling * Fix Some Planes * Clean a Little * Watch TV

Tonight is my favorite night for TV. They show “WifeSwap”, “Fat March” and “Supernanny”. Well…

That’s my first post for the day. Hope everyone is doing well and ready to tackle the week.

—Matt