Slimdude

Thanks to all the BSers who left me such supportive comments on my last post. You have no idea what it means to have this community to reach out to and have you leave comments like that.

On one hand, I really feel weird logging on and pouring out all these negative, depressing emotions regarding my current situation. It’s not the kind of man I want to be. But on the other, it does feel nice to have a safe and secure place where I can write about how much pain I am in and the emotions I am having that go along with it.

Saturday and Sunday all I have done is lie on the couch. My wife has done everything around the house and with my son. I admit that sometimes it is pretty nice to lie there and watch stupid TV. because ya’ll know I like TV. But give me a break, 12-16 hours a day of cable TV? Yikes!

So I try to get up about every hour or so and do something, like Blog… or do a few dishes. Or put away a few clothes.

But the pain has gotten so bad that even that just wipes me out. Just 10 little minutes of moving around and my whole body is just lit up with sparkly white pain and I have GOT to lay down again.

I hate asking my wife to do anything for me, even though she is the most patient and kind-hearted person. I know she would do anything for me, but it seems so unfair that I just lay on the couch while she takes care of The Boy and all the household stuff too.

I really feel badly about it.

Then there is the fact that laying on the couch with little to do doesn’t put me in the best mood. It makes me sad and depressed. So here I am, this sad depressed lump in pain on the damn couch.

My boss did me a huge favor and said I could take tomorrow off, since the damn doctors didn’t even offer that to me. Uhm, yeah… in the military getting time off is like pulling teeth sometimes. I can’t believe they didn’t even offer to let me stay home. But like I said, my boss gave me the day off tomorrow… and on Tuesday I will take leave. I think I have more than a month saved up on vacation days. So I’m going to take as many weeks as I can. I’m going to sit on my couch and heal.

And who knows? If I can stick to a good diet I could probably even lose a little more weight! Even with no activity. Maybe about 1400 calories per day?

The hard part is you eat out of BOREDOM, not hunger.

I’ll have to watch that.

Once again, thanks for all your support BSers. If you ever think you can’t make a difference with some stupid internet comments, you are wrong. Your comments make me think it is possible for me to resist the junk food, possible to heal, and return better than ever in the coming months!!

—Matt

Yes indeed, things are going relatively well. At the end of my shift last night I could barely move.

Sometimes it is very hard to explain to people exactly what this feels like. Imagine somebody had thrust steel rods into your back and into your right leg. All the way up thru your shoulders and neck. Now, near the middle of your back, they have attached a cable and they are tugging away at it. That is what it feels like. On “good days” it just feels VERY uncomfortable.

On “bad days” it is like sharp, white pain to even move a bit. Add to that when my knees have a dull ache and my left foot sometimes does the same thing. Taking Celebrex and the other mild muscle relaxer, the Flexeril… helps a litle. But I’m not on anything major.

I am currently undergoing tests to find out if there is something underlying like Osteoporosis, Osteoarthritis, or something in the Rheumatoid family that is causing me to break overall.

MarathonGirl asked how did I break 7 ribs.

Answer: About 4 weeks ago, I was using my chest to push on a piece of AGE which is basically anything we need to hook up to the jet to do our work. AGE stands for “Aerospace Ground Equipment”. Well, my chest sort of “popped” in. It is only painful for a moment, and I am used to it, honestly. But I still had pains that night everytime I would need to support my body in any sort of push-up style position…(to do my job I have to lean into the cockpit of a jet fighter frequently…) so I went to Medical in the AM to make sure I was “okay”.

Well…. initially they just took some X-rays, put me on “light duty” and sent me packing with some mild muscle relaxers. Nothing major. Maybe it was even Ibuprofin. But then a week later or so the Radiologist called and said he wanted to do a CT Scan for things he “noticed”.

Well… After the scan they called me and said I needed to come in ASAP!

Turns out that night I HAD fractured a rib in my upper left side, AND I had been living with SIX FRACTURED ribs in my back for AT LEAST two months. I do not know how I did it, only that I have been having more and more pain the past few months and they were very dismissive of me everytime I went over there.

So now I am on a waiver that says I can basically do nothing until I heal.

On some days now just getting up from the couch and to the kitchen is a major ordeal.

But I am determined that I will heal up by the end of this year and be good as new.

——

Sorry for the long post, BSers, but I also have some other things to write about besides my ribs and all that jazz.

I ordered a little mini-pedal bike thingie from Amazon.com and it arrived last night. I’m so happy because it means that I can get in some sort of activity while I sit on the couch and watch TV. I will let you know what I think and which model it is in case you have similar issues to mine and can barely do anything for exercise.

The great news is, even without strenuous exercise, I have been faithfully adhereing to my diet of about 1500 cal per day of good food and I am dropping weight. The scale hovers right around “143″ which is my goal for this week by Sunday.

No binges though I will tell you what I have done is tell myself I can have unlimited water, diet soda, celery, gum, pickles and sugar free gelatin with FF whipped topping. So sometimes I do have a baby pickle, a diet soda and some jell-O and even if I sit there and “pig out” on this stuff it doesn’t add up to nearly the calories I used to set myself back on a binge.

So I think changing my mentality from “can’t snack at all” to certain foods that I can eat as much as I want has really helped. I usually get satisfied with a few pickles and maybe one or two Gelatins, sometimes all it takes it water and diet soda. Anyway, it has helped a lot.

Just a thought.

Tonite is my Favorite Show: Last One Standing.

—Matt

Just some random thoughts for this Wednesday night:

*I’m loving the new Britney album. It’s almost too catchy for it’s own damn good. I love a great pop album and this certainly is it. There are at least ten radio-ready hits on it if not more.

*My son was in a terribly bratty mood today. We all went out to Po Folks for dinner. I’m not crazy about Po Folks and to tell you the truth, I really wanted my oatmeal for… well… it’s my breakfast but everyone else’s dinner… because it was about 6pm. But I went because being with my family is more important that my stupid oatmeal. But my son (who is almost two) was being so moody and whiny today. The final straw was at 8pm tonight I was willing to share my Vitalicious brownie with him. I had my brownie and some no-sugar added choc ice cream as my “snack” and he wanted to hold the spoon but I would not let him so he pitched a fit. His mother and I had had enough so he went to bed a half hour early. We were suprised he conked right out after we left the room. Guess the poor guy was just too tired today. But I am not going to be terrorized by a two year old, no matter how much I love the little dude.

*My work has been so supportive of me healing from this rib injury. They harrass me in fun about being “crippled” but they know I must be in a lot of pain with seven broken ribs. Their favorite joke is about my wife beating me. But my wife reports that if she had hit me with a bat, she would have made damn sure it was 9 ribs broken instead of just 7. Hahahaha. What a funny gal.

*I do have Squadron PC tonight, but all I do is ride the recumbent bike. To tell you the truth, the rib thing IS painful, especially the longer I am awake and moving around, but the lower back issues are what is really getting to me. It is a bitch to reach down for something or lift something as simple as a gallon of freaking milk and have your lower back painfully spasm. I really hate this. I feel like an invalid.

*I am sort of digging the new NBC show, Phenomenon. The one where spoon-bending sensation Uri Gellar and Mind Freek Cris Angel look for our next great magician slash illusionist.

*The Biggest Loser was rather uneventful this week. The product placement was decent, Jenn-O turkey. Never had it but it looks okay. The going green idea was kind of neat.

*I love having my Sister in Law here. The Boy adores her. It’s really weird that her husband has gone to stay on the other side of Florida because he wants to play golf with their Dad. He actually told my SiL that our home is “trashy”. I can’t believe that. Our home is very clean and it looks great! But I think it’s because we live in a “manufactured” home. He thinks it is beneath him to stay here. I am really stunned because I don’t run into many people with his mentality. I am always thinking about impoverished kids in Darfur or whatever, and most Americans I know have the same mindset… very charitable and non-judgemental. But this guy is way up into things like rims on cars and video games and all that. The more bling the better.

And what really pisses me off is the way he treats my SiL. My SiL and my wife are twins. And they are different personality-wise, but I love them both so much. And I think my SiL deserves to have someone who will adore her and take care of her and make her feel special the way I try to do with my wife. But he doesn’t. She completely dotes on him and he acts like he could not give two farts about anything she wants and it really makes me sad.

Oh well. Some women just put up with too much from assholes because they don’t think they deserve better. But they do.

We all do.

—Matt

P.S. In weight-related news, still no binges and the scale said “142″ today when I first got up at 3pm. I’m elated to be so damn close but on the other I think I’m probably dropping weight too fast. Maybe 1500 calories is a little too low. But then again, I’m so close I can start playing with “maintenance calories” soon enough…

I was just watching that BBC in America show, “You are What You Eat.” I love that show. I’m so glad we have Knowlogy Cable now, it is so much better than any other cable company we’ve ever had.

There is a bottle of pee in my fridge because of the “24-hour urine collection” test the hospital ordered. I can’t tell you how bizarre that is to have this big red bottle in there.

I did Gazelle 5 miles today and I see a few people stopped by to read my Blog from this morning. I’ve just been really happy with myself lately because I’ve been managing to get some exercise in and eat right. I have not had a binge in over a week now, and I’m super psyched about that.

My S-i-L is staying with us right now. She’s also in the AF and she just got back from a 6-month tour in Iraq. The job she does is one of the less dangerous jobs over there, but that relatively speaking. She was in more danger every day over there than I have been here in Florida, that’s for sure. It’s so nice having her stay with us but what is weird is her husband is “not comfortable” here so he has elected to stay in a Hotel in town.

They have a weird relationship. He’s kind of “stuck up” so part of the reason he won’t stay here is because we live in a manufactured home. I love my house. It’s not like a run-down redneck trailer. It’s a nice house. But he won’t stay here at all. He also doesn’t like any of her family.

Now, I have known my wife and her family for over ten years now. We met in high school and have been together ever since. We got married in 2001. I love my In-Laws very much. But my Brother-in-Law, the one we are talking about… he doesn’t really like them. He’s a weird guy to figure out. He seems kind of nice but he also is very insistent on having his way. They’ve been married two years now I think. He spends a lot of $$$ on clothes and gadgets, golf and massages. They make more than we do but it’s not like they are “rollin in the dough”.

Hmmm…

Anyway, I really liked the new Britney Spears album, although certain tracks sound like cast-offs from Timbalands’s “Shock Value” album. “Danja” is the name of one of Brit’s producers on this album, and he is a Timbaland protege, and it sounds it…

It’s very dancey in a mid-90s synth kind of way. “Radar” and “Heaven on Earth” really stick out so far. As a parent, I just hope she straightens up her act in that respect because she is missing out.

I love being a Dad.

—Matt

Yeah I changed my avatar again… it’s still David Beckham, but isn’t it cool? He’s all smiley faced, just like me. Last night I went back to bed after writing the below post and I did not binge or snack or anything. Just some water and that Coke Zero.

 So this morning I was in a good mood and woke up a little early and the scale says I am now “145″ pounds. That is only 5 pounds away from my goal. I do not expect to have an 8 pound loss this week. So I am setting a modest goal of 2 more pounds… by next Sunday I will be 143 pounds. And my reward for losing two pounds and CONTINUING my “no-binge / no nite snacking” streak (which is now officially on DAY SEVEN, HURRAY!) will be a dual magazine subscription to DETAILS and GQ. On one hand, I enjoy these two mags a lot. On the other, they do the same thing to my psyche that I’m sure women’s magazines do to women.

 I see the ultra-thin dudes in there and I’m convinced that’s what I have to look like. I know a lot of women have the same issues. The good thing is, with me… if I diet and exercise I can come pretty close. I can’t get all big and huge like Arnold or Sly Stallone but I do a good job of being lean and having abs and everything.

But it has certainly taken work. I’m never gonna sit here and say “Oh I don’t diet. I don’t workout.”

What bullcrap. I hate it when celebrities say that. They are lying their ass off. They do “diet”. Just see Dr. Marc’s current Blog post about Mel B. “Scary Spice”. The stars eat right and they exercise. And what that can’t accomplish they make up for with makeup and hair teams and then airbrushing.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s why it helps to have other areas of focus.  Yes, it is nice when I have abs and a tan and I can fit into size 30 jeans… but I also have planes to fix and a family to take care of.

I did reward myself with the new Britney album. I’m very into dance music. Believe me, I take a lot of flak for it but I’m unapologetic about it. I love Rihanna and Ciara and Madonna and all that uber-flaming “gay” dance music.

So far I’m on the 4th or 5th song and it is really really good. I downloaded it from iTunes, which has the most complicated user interface, I swear. That’s why I’ll never switch to Apple from Microsoft. I can fix computer systems on multi-million dollar warplanes but I can’t master iTunes.

Go figure.

Time for some BlogSurfing.

—Matt

Hey did that title get anyone’s attention? I like some ribs… once in a while…

Well guess what, I had forgotten my cell phone at work and when I got in there were multiple messages for me to call the hospital to discuss my CT Scan results. The messages sounded urgent and dire. So that was kind of distracting all night…

Then as soon as I got home at 7:30am work called and said the hospital called them and told them I had to come in ASAP. So my wife and I went and dropped off our son and then went to the hospital.

So are you ready for this, BSers?

I have SEVEN broken ribs! Four places in the back on my right, two on the left and one up top in the front. I have had them for at least 2 months, according to the radiologist.

They wanted to know how in the WORLD did I break seven ribs, and I have no idea. But this explains so much. When they first said that, I was thinking “I don’t have any chest pains…” but these breaks are all in the BACK of my ribcage. Except for that one.

So on one hand this is good news. I am not crazy. I have been working out and doing my job with SEVEN broken ribs! Last night on “Last One Standing” that Raiko guy had a broken rib and he was in so much pain he could not continue wrestling. He did not know it was a broken rib at the time… just like I had no idea.

So gentle walking is now the ONLY form of exercise I will engage in. No more throwing myself around with Leslie and no more Power 90 or weights or anything. Until I heal. I probably would have healed already except for all my doctors kept MISSING this until the radiologist caught it on my last X-ray and ordered the CT scan.

They also X-rayed my lower back this morning to make sure I have just pulled a muscle and I didn’t have any disc problems there.

Okay, so this is a good thing. Now we know. Matt is not insane. Matt is in pain because he has seven broken ribs. He can heal and then maybe by January ‘08 I can start working on running and lifting and all that again. This is great.

Except for one small thing : WHAT is causing my bones and joints to do this? Remember I already had “mild degeneration” in my discs in my neck. BUT perhaps those are not causing ANY of my back pain. Then my left foot hurts sometimes and my knees ache.

So we need to figure out if there is something there causing me to break bones and my joints to have issues.

So more blood tests were done and I now have a referral to get a complete bone scan done. I should be able to do that before the year is out.

It is so nice to finally have some answers. I can go in and be like “Look, I’m not a pansy! I’ve had seven broken ribs FOR MONTHS now and I’ve still been working hard!”

Now to figure out HOW and WHY.

—Matt

 P.S. A bonus joke : God was looking down on Adam, all alone in the Garden of Eden and He said “Adam, you look so sad. What’s the matter?”

Adam said ” Well God, I’m lonely.”

And God said ” Well Adam, I can make you a mate. Someone beautiful and intelligent. Someone who will kindly take care of you and cater to all your needs. All it will cost you is you whole arm and a few toes…”

And Adam said “Gee God, that’s a lot…. what can I get for just a rib?”

Ba-dum-ching!

So last nite not one kid came to our door Trick-or-Treating. So now I have bowls of candy just sitting around my house. Fortunately, I don’t even like most of it. One weird candy we have is these little gummy fruit snacks. And two people have said “Oh well instead of candy that’s good…” and I am looking at them like “are you serious?”

So people REALLY think stuff like Gummy Fruit Snacks and Fruit Roll-Ups are fruit and not candy? That is so bizarre to me.

I did my CT scan this morning and when I layed down on that thing the lady had me shift my body downward towards the end of the table thingie and when I did my back spasmed like never before. I was in so much pain I thought I was going to cry.

It took me forever to get up after the scan and I kept apologizing to the lady , I was very embarrassed and in so much pain but I just could not get up. Finally, I managed to shift my body weight and turn sideways and push myself up.

Got home and took a Flexeril and Unisom and conked out until about 3:30pm and I actually felt so much better that I Gazelled one mile and did the Two Mile DVD walk.

As far as diet goes, I have not gotten up and eaten and I have not binged.

Thanks for everyone stopping by and offering supportive comments.

I’m thinking of re-training into a new job field because fixin’ planes is just too physically difficult.

Keep on movin and groovin, BSers.

—Matt

That’s what I’m drinking right now as I Blog, and it is my current favorite diet soda. I know not everyone is a fan of diet soda, but I am. I drank diet soda the first two times I lost weight and I have had it consistently as I lose weight this time.

I know that I said I would stay off the scale until Sunday but I have to reveal that I’ve been peeking… the highest weight was “150″ and the lowest was “147″ so far this week. So even with no exercise, my diet has been good enough to where I have met that little goal of three pounds this week.

In a way, I knew I would because my weight is really around “150″ and it was just high on Sunday morning because I binged so badly Saturday night.

But it’s already Wednesday and I have not binged or cheated on my diet, even though it’s very hard right now because our house is full of brownies and candies.

My lower back is still kind of sore. But now more in a way after you get in a good workout. Like a constant ache rather than spasms. I worked last night and I didn’t carry anything heavier than our lap-tops. But these are like industrial weight military lap-tops. I also had to climb in and out of the cockpit to do avionics checks and that was relatively hard also.

Also my shoulders and neck have been really bad … a lot of pins and needles and sparking action… not sure if it’s related to the back thing or not. But when I looked it up online there are so many types of arthritis and so many drugs they can try and use.  I am going to seek out a chiropractor also… I don’t want this thing to get worse but I think a Chiro might be able to help.

In addition, Med called and said they want to do a CT scan after “re-evaluating” my last X-ray. I took that X-Ray a week ago at least. It kind of scares me they want to “re-evaluate” ??? Something about “abnormal cartilege.”

I am also supposed to see a Rheumatologist before the end of the year.

I would like to find out what is the cause of all this. All these aches and pains. And have it be NON-fatal and TREATABLE.

Nevertheless, I managed to fix both planes I was on last night and when I woke up today at 3:30pm I Gazelled 4 miles. My back didn’t spasm so I was okay.

Tonight I am supposed to go to the gym and I think I will try the elliptical first and if that is too harsh I will try the recumbent bike.

Oh and should I recap The Biggest Loser? I guess I will keep watching it after all. I can’t believe they kept Neil AND let him use that weight-loss.

Oh well.

—Matt

Well, I wrote this really long post earlier but now it’s gone. Don’t know how that happened. My back was so bad last night I used my “Day Off” from working weekend duty. It’s still pretty bad. I want to exercise so badly but I’m telling myself to take the week off.

Still… last night my wife told me, not in a mean way… but she said she has to start thinking of me as handicapped. And I was like “Well… this lower back problem is not the same thing as my other stuff…” but she had to do all the Boy stuff yesterday while I layed on the couch.

But I could not stand to hear that she thought of me as crippled in any way so today I was putting dishes away and I helped her with the grocery shopping and everything else.

I tried to stay up all night last night and watch TV and eat my normal meals and it worked out very well. Tatiana is right you have to be careful when you are just bored watching TV on the couch, you want to snack mindlessly. Believe me, the chips and dip and tiny candies from the weekend party were calling my name. But I resisted and just drank diet soda in between snacks and meals. I think I ate about 1300 calories.

Then this morning I could not fall asleep because I kept falling asleep on the couch last night. So I helped my wife take The Boy to school and then we ran errands that included grocery shopping. Her lower back is also hurting her in a minor way lately so I have been giving her lower back massages.

Okay this part is kind of private and all but it’s funny so I’m going to share. After our afternoon errands we took a bath together and then we were going to get “romatic” but both our backs were hurting and then it was too funny because we could not find any good position that did not hurt one or both of us, so we ended up laughing so much it just became “cuddle time” because the mood just changed so much.

Ahhh, it’s good to be married to someone that you can laugh like that with.

Anyway.

Tonight is the Biggest Loser. I am so used to exercising during the whole program it will be hard to just sit on the couch. I really hate this.

I tried some Capasizn or whatever it is called with the pepper in the balm… and it is horrible! It doesn’t work at all. It just makes your skin burn. And not in a soothing way like IcyHot or BenGay. It just BURNS so in addition to your muscle pain your skin is burning as well. And it’s hard to wash off so everything you touch also burns.

This weekend my wife’s Dad’s side is coming. We like her Dad and his wife. And we like her sister, who is just back from Iraq. But some of the people coming are very judgemental and very materialistic. My wife is anxious because our “new” home is a Manufactured Home. It’s not like we live in a run-down trailer, it’s a nice house. But my wife is so worried because it’s not all hardwood floors and fireplaces and plasma screen TVs.

We put our time and resources into each other, our family, our son, and my wife’s education and my Air Force career. Her family does not have kids or anything like what we have. Our values are completely different. We would spend our weekends volunteering or out at the park with our son.

They would spend it shopping for brand new clothes and  cars and stuff.

But she is worried. I love her so much. I hope she’ll be okay this weekend.

—Matt

One musical artist I really like is Bjork. She’s an aquired taste, if you’re not too familiar with her music. Probably her most “commercially accessable” album is “Post” or perhaps “Homogenic” but lately they’ve been really bizarre. I didn’t even buy “Volta” which came out earlier this year and had the Timbaland collaboration “Space Intruders” on it.

But she has this song from way back called “One Day” where the lyrics are kind of cryptic but basically… that’s how I’m feeling right now and I’ll explain.

I’m fairly tired after coming off a week of working Graveyard shift. My left shoulder and chest area are extremely sore and so is my left foot. I did not get home and get to bed until almost 10:30am today and I had intended to wake up at 1:30pm in order to go to my son’s class Halloween party. But then I woke up almost immediately at 11am with this urge to binge and … for a second I had a conscious thought of trying to fight it… but then I gave in and had some pizza, two bowls of cereal, 6 cookies, a few bowls of pudding mixed with sweet potato filling (which was delicious, by the way) some ice cream sandwiches, a lean pocket and probably more stuff I cannot even recall.

All this was while watching “Work Out!” with that hot lesbian trainer on Bravo! talk about your irony there. “Stuff your face while watching hot people get in shape! Woo-hooo!”

But then I was so full I was actually kind of ill… but then I made a decision NOT to feel bad or guilty, and “get back on track” right away. I think some people would think that this ruins everything and they’d wait until Monday but I never do that.

I have struggled with this binge thing for a while now so I know

#1. It’s not the end of the world.

#2. Just start over right away with your next breath, your next meal, your next exercise session.

So since it was about noonish, and I am so so so freaking full, I decided I probably just won’t eat again until breakfast Saturday morning. No big deal. I have “weekend duty” so I’ll be on dayshift tomorrow and Sunday.

The Halloween party is tomorrow night and we are making lots of junk food but I think for me personally I probably just won’t eat any. We’ll see… I’m not sweating it.

Also when I stepped on the scale it still says “150″ and this is with all that food and everything still “in there” so that is really good. I’m in a good mood and I’m not going to Gazelle or anything this evening I am just fatigued and sore I’m just taking it easy. My wife and son are up and making treats for tomorrow evening’s party and our friend is over with her daughter so it’s just going to be a relaxing evening with the family until I fall asleep.

In other news… I made the decision to tell my bosses at work about my Medical Problems and they are trying to be understanding but at the same time it IS the military so I think it is ruffling a few feathers that I am unable to do the more physical aspects of my job… and last night one of my co-workers actually said to me “So I hear you’re making up new forms of arthritis now…” and I was really upset and pissed off at that for a while. Because it means that everybody in my shop probably knows now and secondly there must be at least a few who think I am full of crap.

It is very frustrating to wake up every day in some degree of pain. I am not on any serious painkillers at all. Every freaking movement I make is pain to some degree. If I have to pick something off the floor, get in and out of my car, the simplest movements cause me pain somewhere on my body every moment of my life.

I did not ask for this but I choose to be positive and smile and tell people I am just fine. I continue to try and work out as best I can on any given day. I continue to hobble my ass all over work fixing these planes as best I can without complaining.

How do they think it makes me feel on my really bad days when I can’t pick up my son. Sometimes my wife will do things like pick him up and twirl him around and I can’t do that stuff anymore. Taking out a bag of trash is a major chore. It’s not that I am too weak to do these things, it is that it causes me a lot of pain.

And somebody has the nerve to say something like that to me. I was very very angry for a while but fortunately last night I had a job where I was assigned to update some software on the jet so I got to sit in this CLASSIFIED room for a while by myself while working on the computer and just sit there and stew, which honestly helped.

They are trying to assign me jobs where the most physical thing I have to do is carry around the heavy-ass laptops we have and maybe climb up and down the ladder to the cockpit.

Sometimes I think “Geez, this is so sad… I can’t even climb up and down a ladder without pain.” And it’s true but I don’t think they understand that. I REFUSE to go in there and complain about everything so I think they truly do not understand the extent to which I am in pain all the time.

 And by the way, I really appreciate you listening. I don’t like to burden the people in my “real life” with these types of “woe is me” complaining, but I feel like my journal on BS gives me a place to share how I really feel.

I really feel like I am making the best of this situation as I can. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or what I have or anything. I can’t help it this but I am doing exactly what the Air Force taught me : adapt and overcome.

Good news : I got my first achievement medal.

—Matt