Slimdude

Good day, BSers! Mentally, I feel okay. Physically, I feel at one of my all-time worst levels ever. Friday night… chasing him around coupled with lifting him into the crib… oh my god, my back feels like it is shattered into a million pieces. I have shooting pains down my leg and my knees and feet ache. It is times like these when I wish I had some Lortabs or some Darvocets that I could take and drift back to sleep. Even coming in here and sitting in this uncomfortable-ass office chair is work enough.  It hurts. I am in pain. Enuff said.

I felt really bad for my wife having to get home yesterday evening after that long car trip (6 hours…??) and the house was a disaster. I worked really hard Friday and Saturday to tend to our son, chasing him around and changing him and you just don’t realize how much work that is when you are in so much pain. But we did have a good time overall and I don’t regret my decision and I did not tell my wife about the lifting-him-into-the-crib thing because there is no point in making her feel guilty about it. I did what I did and I do not regret it. I’m sure if I just take it easy today and maybe tomorrow I’ll feel good again.

But I still felt badly that the house is in such dissarray and she will have to clean it all up AND she has to get ready for Thanksgiving on Thursday. But really, she keeps saying she is looking forward to it and for years she has always “done” Thanksgiving. Starting in ‘03 when we were stationed elsewhere and on thru this year she has always had at least a few guests and done the whole works. She really does get some kind of thrill out of it which I guess is good. For the most part, we are unconventional in that we hate to cook so we all 3 have different foods at our meals. We do eat together when we can, but we eat different things. The Boy usually like to eat his stuff in addition to sampling ours. We think he actually has a pretty good, varied diet. he loves yogurt so we give him that a lot. And he liked applesauce and he loves fruit. He’ll eat Bananas, Apples cut into pieces with the skin off, prunes, strawberries, peaches and pears. We try to give him sugar free stuff as much as possible, not really because of diet concerns, but just because sugar isn’t good for you. But the bad part is, all that sugar-free stuff has either Splenda or Aspartame in it. So I try and watch that, too. I really think overall it’s not that bad for you, but they just don’t know FOR SURE. It’s one thing to drink diet soda yourself and make that decision but when you are entrusted to monitor the safety and food of your baby, you wonder about feeding them too much sugar, too much fat or too many artificial sweetners.

 But yeah he also loves broccoli and carrots. I swear, it’s so funny to ask a two year old if he wants broccoli and he loves it. I’ve taken him to restaurants before and he’ll leave the chicken, mashed potatoes and whatever while chowing down on steamed broccoli. I hope he stays that way in the long term. And we’ve never had to put cheese on it or anything. He just eats steamed or microwaved soft broccoli.

 But you know, I think it’s about what we eat. It’s not like we eat perfectly. I have my stupid binges and my wife likes a cheeseburger now and again but mostly we do eat a good diet and he sees that and wants to copy us. He also sees we are the type of family who likes to be fit and stay active ( Well… at least Mommy is active these days) and he imitates that. Remember before I’ve often blogged about when I could work out he would copy me, doing push-ups and leg lifts and lifting his little 3 pound weights which I thought was adorable at the time and which now I think it is hilarious that my two year old lifts the same amount that I can comfortably.

sigh.

Okay well, TV-wise I got to see LAST ONE STANDING, which you know is my favorite TV show right now. And they had to wrestle in Senegal. This is like the 3rd wrestling challenge they’ve had. And I really sympathized with Ryko, Raiko, or however you spell it… he got injured and could not compete. Now I’ve never been a top level athelete, but I loved to work out and I cherished my high activity level. So it is very very very hard for me not to be depressed about how extremely immobile I have become these days.

I dream so much about working out, lifting weights, running and doing new DVDs, kickboxing, dancing, etc…. I mean not daydreaming, but like when I am asleep I will dream about this stuff and then wake up and my body will be aching and it is very hard not to feel depressed about it all.

I watch these shows on TV about renovating your house or starting a garden and I just marvel at how physical these activities are and how much I took it for granted before.

I guess my consolation is that… hopefully… hopefully… this is a condition I can come back from. I am working on getting the Cushing’s Syndrome treated and also healing my back and my ribs which are the side effect of Cushing’s. We think.  I hope.

I can’t even imagine having my physicality and mobility taken away from me permanently. It has made me ponder a lot. What if I were to become a parapalegic? A quadrapeligic? What if all of a sudden I could never do anything physical again? I’d have to completely redefine who I was. My wife would have to do everything for the family FOREVER. Not just for a few months! How would I deal with that guilt? That I had suddenly become this burden on us? Would I be able to find a way to provide for my family? Would I be able to keep my spirits high and be pleasant to be around?

The Mommy and Her Mommy (my wonderful mother in law) have taken the Boy to the PARK and then grocery shopping and of course I could not go. On days when I feel even slightly up to it, I force myself out and about. Am I in extreme pain? yes but I go anyway, convinced I will not let this prevent me from having a good time with my family.

But today I just cannot. So oh well. I will try to enjoy myself around here, read some Blogs and at 11:30am Animal House is coming on. So I’ll watch that and have some lunch. My wife is also going grocery shopping today and I think later they are going to our friend’s house. I don’t think I will go. I just dread the thought of me sitting there in pain but pretending I’m not and to make it worse they’ll notice anyway and ask me about it and then we’ll have to have a 20 minute conversation about how much pain I’m in but pretending not to be and Gee what a Great Guy I must be to have all this pain but here I am out with my family and friends anyway.

Hahaha okay that’s kind of bitter and sarcastic there.

But it’s okay. I will just sit on the couch and enjoy some TV this evening and by Thursday I’ll feel great and I will enjoy having friends and family over and maybe I will even do a short dance just for them.

Oh yeah as far as weight loss and diet I’m kind of in this weird phase. I keep trying to get back on the “diet”… I am trying to eat between 1200-1500 calories a day which I figure is a good level for trying to lose a few pounds while being virtually sedentary, but I still get up and have these minor binges which has lead me to a plateu of 150 pounds.

I blogged earlier about how I’m not too beaten up about it, I have other things to worry about. Still, it would be nice to get the last ten vanity pounds off finally before the end of the year. And if I did it while sitting on the couch most of the time that would be hilarious. 150 isn’t the end of the world, but more…

really it’s more about when I wake up at 10pm or midnight or 2am… and you know you have that slight hunger pangs… because your body is dipping into fat stores and it doesn’t want to!! Your body is programmed to keep you at a certain weight. So at midnight my body goes “Wait a minute, we LIKE being at 150 with a little belly here! Don’t burn the fat cells, Matt! Get up and eat some cereal, eat some pizza, eat a cookie!” And if I just had the will-power to say, “No, no… let’s have some water and a diet coke and see what’s on TV or on BuddySlim” then I’d be okay.

But so far this week… the only thing that has saved me from GAINING weight it the fact that I resume my diet IMMEDIETLY the next day and I don’t tell myself “Oh I blew it for the day, week, et cet….” and eat crap all day.

So yeah today I’m trying again for 1200 calories, give or take and hopefully tonight I can finally get back in that groove. Once I get going, it gets easier and easier. I had that one 11-day streak. That got me down to 143, remember? Mmmm so close, and yet…

Sorry I don’t have a good joke for today. Maybe tomorrow.

—Matt

Well, I feel pretty good mentally. Physically, I am very sore and stiff this AM.

My day yesterday went pretty well over-all. The Boy and I watched a lot of TV, but we also played a lot with toys. He even took a nap right on the sofa while VH1’s “I Love The 90s : Part Deux” was on.

I was on my feet quite a bit yesterday so I think I’m feeling it today.

But there are downs to yesterday. One, at about 6:30pm he got it in his head to be extremely hyper and mischevious and no matter how many times I told him “No” and not to touch something and settle down he just would not listen. I think I probably gave him about ten chances to stop all that, like jumping on the couch, pulling on the curtains, climbing on the table, on and on until I finally told him I would put him to bed “You are going Nite Nite in your crib if you don’t stop!” which he fully understands but he did not stop so I ended up putting him in his crib, which of course hurt my lower back a little bit so now it hurts and he screamed and cried for a solid hour and I felt bad both physically and mentally…

I had so wanted the evening to be pleasant and nice and he could have stayed up as late as he wanted until he fell asleep as long as he was good. Anyway, I guess I just felt so crappy I gave in and had a minor binge. A lean pocket, some cookies, and a gigantic bowl of cereal. I knew the whole time I was doing it purely to make myself feel better, and afterwards of course I felt even worse because now on top of the kid thing and the back thing now I had the stupid eating at night thing.

oh well. one day I will learn. perhaps today.

he did wake up at 11pm or so crying a little so of course I went in there and it took everything I had physically but I carried my little boy back into the living room with me and laid him on the couch and he slept on one sofa and I slept on the other one all night. I had to turn off the TV to get him to fall asleep, though.

Oh I love him so much why can’t he just mind me when I tell him stuff? darn it.

Okay well the scale is holding steady at 150 so I guess until I stop binge-ing and snacking at night I’m not going to lose the last ten pounds.

I’m excited about Thanksgiving, www.hungrygirl.com has a great recipe for pumpkin pie that is only 135 calories per slice and I either want my wife to make it or I want to make it and see what it tastes like.

Nothing that spectacular to report on the TV front… here is your joke for the day:

*A little boy and his father were walking and they happened to see two dogs humping, and the little boy says “What are they doing Daddy?”

“Well son, they are making a puppy.”

So a few nights later the son accidentally walks in on his parents making love. and he says “Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?”

“well son, we are making a baby.”

“Well flip her over I’d rather have a puppy!”

oh my.

—Matt

Well… it has been a lot harder to resist the snackies and the binges than I originally thought. I woke up again at about 10:30pm last night and polished off about half a loaf of bread with honey and bananas.

But, inspired by MarathonGirl, I am going to start a No-Binge No-Nite Eating 30 Day Challenge in the forum area and you all are more than welcome to join in. Is binge eating your dietary downfall? Or nite time eating? Or a combo of the two? Why not join in that thread once I get it rolling. We’ll see if we can go 30-days in a row, or at least cut way way down. I think I’ve only *NOT* done it one day this week, and that was probably only because I hurt so bad I could not haul myself into the kitchen.

But overall life is okay. I am still on vacation for the next three weeks… we cut it back some… I did not see “Last One Standing” last night I was asleep.

My next step in the Med Thing is my referral to the Endo which will be next week, plus I see my regular Doc, Dr. C next Tuesday.

Today the Boy and I are hanging out all day together. I really hope he does not give me too many problems. We almost decided to have a friend watch him all night but … I guess it’s a pride thing but I am a man I should be able to take care of my little boy.

I think we’ll have fun overall I just can’t be chasing him all over the house. As long as he’ll bring me stuff like games and blocks and cars and balls we’ll be okay. We can watch cartoons and stuff. I like hanging out with my kid (he will turn 2 at the end of DEC) I always have and I could not bear the thought that someone else was watching him overnight, even though this is a very trusted friend and all. I want him to hang out with his Dada. Because I’m sure the day will come soon enough when he will be embarrassed to be around us, and he’ll be like other teens : “Leave me alooooooone!” , “get off my back!” “I hate youuuuu” et cetera.

So while he’s little and he’s good I’m grateful.

Oh and yesterday we went to his DayCare to have Thanksgiving lunch with him and I had an empty cup and jokingly I said “here son, get Dada some water…” and he took my cup, went straight over to their water faucet, turned it on and filled my cup up and brought it back to me. Also he was drinking from it, too. I was really really shocked. He seems so smart sometimes but he barely says anything. Only Dada and Mama and Up and Ball and he loves SpongeBob he goes “ooooooooooh!” when the pirate does at the beginning and when spongebob pops up and plays his nose as a flute my son copies him. He can point to anything you ask him too I’m always a little surprised frankly at the things he knows like objects and colors and body parts. You can say “get me the blue truck” and he’ll come back with a blue truck I don’t even realize he owned. But he just doesn’t talk. I try to get him to say Please and Thank You and Yes and No but he only shakes his head for yes and no. And he shrugs his shoulders for “I don’t know”… like if you ask him to go find something… “where is your drink?” and he’ll leave for five minutes, come right up to you with the cutest look on his face of bewilderment, and shrug his shoulders and hold out his hands… “dada I don’t know where the cup is…” he seems to say… I do love him a lot, even when he is whiny or very hyper. Oh god I don’t … I hope he’s not too hyper today. I hate to sound like a pansy but I do not have it in me to chase him all over the house. Hopefully we’ll spend most of our time in the living room. And THANK GOD when I say let’s change your diaper up here, he will climb onto the couch and lay there.

Okay before I forget , here is your joke for today:

Two little boys are walking thru the woods and they see some rabbit poop. The one kid goes “hey what’s that?” and the other boy says “Oh those are smart pills! try one!”

so the first kid tastes it and says “Yuck, this tastes like Doo-Doo!”

“see, you’re getting smarter already!”

Ba=dum=ching!

—Matt

The CPD is , of course… the couch potato diaries. I have just had lunch and I am right on track to about 1200 calories today. I have just taken a mild muscle relaxer and I plan on perhaps having a nap.

My wife and son are off today (veterans day) and they decided to go over to our friend’s house. I did not want to go because I am in pain and also I am technically not supposed to go anywhere since technically I am on Quarters from my supervisor.

The only thing on TV right now is Project Runway from last season. Season 4 of PR is supposed to start on Wed and that’s everybody’s favorite guilty pleasure right?

This morning I watched music videos… nothing amazing… and some other trash TV before my son got up and I’m starting to suspect my wife is passively aggressively punishing me for being couch-bound. She asked me to watch him and make him breakfast and change his diaper this morning so she could sleep an extra hour. Which I did, but I mean… it wasn;t easy and I was hurting the whole time.

Plus, the whole reason I got the day off today was to sit on the couch. If I’d gone to work, she would have had to get up ANYWAY. I don’t think I like where this is going. I’m taking time off work to heal, not to be an extra set of hands around the house when she feels like sleeping in.

And on that note, do you know she is driving across the state to attend a Rock Concert on Friday and she has asked me to watch The Boy. I have agreed but quite frankly I am shocked that she has not considered NOT GOING. She has not even mentioned considering cancelling her plans to go. I am sure I will be fine to watch him but it is going to be EXTREMELY hard. I mean, my little shower-and-shave this morning had me in a great deal of pain.

I mean, really do people NOT UNDERSTAND that if six ribs are broken in your back that every little thing you do causes white hot pain? I try to be positive but then they think I am just jim-dandy instead of just putting on a happy face.

Anyway. Yeah I love my wife but I guess you can tell I’m a little upset about the concert. If she was semi-incapacitated there is no effing way I would leave her for a day to watch our son by herself.

—Matt

Hello, BSers and welcome to Friday! Is everybody ready for a fantastic weekend? I have no idea WHAT I am going to do this weekend… it’s looking to be an “easy weekend” for me. I’m hoping to either watch my son a lot so my wife can enjoy some time to herself OR get somebody else to watch him so that we can have a date or something.

Her sister has been here all week long so while I sleep (or rather, attempt to sleep) during the day they have been hanging out, sometimes with their Mom who also lives here in town, and sometimes even with The Boy. He normally attends DayCare but sometimes if they want to do something fun they will leave him out of “school” for the day and he goes with them.

For instance, Thursday they went to the local aquarium where they have fish and animals and dolphin shows and he liked all that.

But he is nearing the “Terrible Two”s now and sometimes he whines and cries and pitches a fit a lot and I just won’t have it. I don’t believe in giving in to him when he whines or cries. I believe in putting him in “time out” — his crib and then he can cry and whine all he wants to. It usually calms him down immedietly because he cannot stand to be by himself and have no one to play with.

My wife gives in more than I do and I keep telling her she is just encouraging his behaviour. Like last night she had a milkshake and he wanted to hold the straw and when she would not let him he pitches a hissy fit and she actually made him his own sippy sup of her milkshake. I wanted him to be sent to time out ASAP.

Another thing is I don’t really spank him but sometimes if he does something like hit me in the face or reach and grab something I told him not to, I will give him a “pop” high on his leg near his diaper or on his hand, but I feel REALLY DUMB saying ” We don’t hit!” and then popping his hand. Any other parents with thoughts on this? Time out DOES work so should I just stick to that and not the idiotic “popping” on his hand?

In weight-loss and diet news: I bought a little “mini-exercise bike”… you know, like a pedal thing? From Amazon.com for about 35 bucks and I really like it so far. It makes just a slight little noise not even really noticeable. I love that I have a form of activity that I can do mindlessly while watching TV and it doesn’t hurt my back at all. I just sit there and pedal away on the couch. We do have carpet so I had to push it against the coffee table to prevent it from sliding away. It has an adjustable resistance so I set it to about the same level as the recumbent bikes at the gym.

I am glad I own it, I probably burn about 300 calories per hour just watching TV and pedaling. It could also be used with your arms on a counter-top if your legs were out-of-commision. It is super light even though it is very strudy stainless steel. The only real downside is the sides get super-duper hot from the friction so if the Boy is around I have to watch him like a hawk because if he reached out and grabbed it — it might burn his little hand.

The scale keeps hovering around 143 pounds. I have not had a binge in over a week, Sunday morning will make two weeks officially I am so proud of myself. I wake up and think a little about all the stuff I could have, but then I usually just realize I’m not hungry I just want a nibble, so if I really want to munch, I get down on some celery and salsa or perhaps a gelatin dessert.

Somebody said a while back to concentrate on all the good things I CAN have , and they are right. We are so lucky in America to have such good foods… sugar free this and low carb that. Not to mention just regular stuff like fish and eggs and whole grains and everything. plus access to all this nutritional info and ways to stay active and yet here we are sitting around doing next to nothing and stuffing our gob holes with the worst foods imaginable.

Oh well.

Tonight I think I will have some tilapia and broccoli with ranch-flavored salsa ( I take a little fat free ranch powder from the packet and sprinkle it into salsa) and then for dessert some sugar free strawberry Jell-O with sugar free choc pudding and some FF reddi whip. That’s only about 300 calories for everything.

Maybe before bed some sugar free cocoa.

And some snuggle time with the family. Sound like a nice Friday night. Hope all yours are just as great.

—Matt

Just some random thoughts for this Wednesday night:

*I’m loving the new Britney album. It’s almost too catchy for it’s own damn good. I love a great pop album and this certainly is it. There are at least ten radio-ready hits on it if not more.

*My son was in a terribly bratty mood today. We all went out to Po Folks for dinner. I’m not crazy about Po Folks and to tell you the truth, I really wanted my oatmeal for… well… it’s my breakfast but everyone else’s dinner… because it was about 6pm. But I went because being with my family is more important that my stupid oatmeal. But my son (who is almost two) was being so moody and whiny today. The final straw was at 8pm tonight I was willing to share my Vitalicious brownie with him. I had my brownie and some no-sugar added choc ice cream as my “snack” and he wanted to hold the spoon but I would not let him so he pitched a fit. His mother and I had had enough so he went to bed a half hour early. We were suprised he conked right out after we left the room. Guess the poor guy was just too tired today. But I am not going to be terrorized by a two year old, no matter how much I love the little dude.

*My work has been so supportive of me healing from this rib injury. They harrass me in fun about being “crippled” but they know I must be in a lot of pain with seven broken ribs. Their favorite joke is about my wife beating me. But my wife reports that if she had hit me with a bat, she would have made damn sure it was 9 ribs broken instead of just 7. Hahahaha. What a funny gal.

*I do have Squadron PC tonight, but all I do is ride the recumbent bike. To tell you the truth, the rib thing IS painful, especially the longer I am awake and moving around, but the lower back issues are what is really getting to me. It is a bitch to reach down for something or lift something as simple as a gallon of freaking milk and have your lower back painfully spasm. I really hate this. I feel like an invalid.

*I am sort of digging the new NBC show, Phenomenon. The one where spoon-bending sensation Uri Gellar and Mind Freek Cris Angel look for our next great magician slash illusionist.

*The Biggest Loser was rather uneventful this week. The product placement was decent, Jenn-O turkey. Never had it but it looks okay. The going green idea was kind of neat.

*I love having my Sister in Law here. The Boy adores her. It’s really weird that her husband has gone to stay on the other side of Florida because he wants to play golf with their Dad. He actually told my SiL that our home is “trashy”. I can’t believe that. Our home is very clean and it looks great! But I think it’s because we live in a “manufactured” home. He thinks it is beneath him to stay here. I am really stunned because I don’t run into many people with his mentality. I am always thinking about impoverished kids in Darfur or whatever, and most Americans I know have the same mindset… very charitable and non-judgemental. But this guy is way up into things like rims on cars and video games and all that. The more bling the better.

And what really pisses me off is the way he treats my SiL. My SiL and my wife are twins. And they are different personality-wise, but I love them both so much. And I think my SiL deserves to have someone who will adore her and take care of her and make her feel special the way I try to do with my wife. But he doesn’t. She completely dotes on him and he acts like he could not give two farts about anything she wants and it really makes me sad.

Oh well. Some women just put up with too much from assholes because they don’t think they deserve better. But they do.

We all do.

—Matt

P.S. In weight-related news, still no binges and the scale said “142″ today when I first got up at 3pm. I’m elated to be so damn close but on the other I think I’m probably dropping weight too fast. Maybe 1500 calories is a little too low. But then again, I’m so close I can start playing with “maintenance calories” soon enough…

Yeah I changed my avatar again… it’s still David Beckham, but isn’t it cool? He’s all smiley faced, just like me. Last night I went back to bed after writing the below post and I did not binge or snack or anything. Just some water and that Coke Zero.

 So this morning I was in a good mood and woke up a little early and the scale says I am now “145″ pounds. That is only 5 pounds away from my goal. I do not expect to have an 8 pound loss this week. So I am setting a modest goal of 2 more pounds… by next Sunday I will be 143 pounds. And my reward for losing two pounds and CONTINUING my “no-binge / no nite snacking” streak (which is now officially on DAY SEVEN, HURRAY!) will be a dual magazine subscription to DETAILS and GQ. On one hand, I enjoy these two mags a lot. On the other, they do the same thing to my psyche that I’m sure women’s magazines do to women.

 I see the ultra-thin dudes in there and I’m convinced that’s what I have to look like. I know a lot of women have the same issues. The good thing is, with me… if I diet and exercise I can come pretty close. I can’t get all big and huge like Arnold or Sly Stallone but I do a good job of being lean and having abs and everything.

But it has certainly taken work. I’m never gonna sit here and say “Oh I don’t diet. I don’t workout.”

What bullcrap. I hate it when celebrities say that. They are lying their ass off. They do “diet”. Just see Dr. Marc’s current Blog post about Mel B. “Scary Spice”. The stars eat right and they exercise. And what that can’t accomplish they make up for with makeup and hair teams and then airbrushing.

Nobody’s perfect. That’s why it helps to have other areas of focus.  Yes, it is nice when I have abs and a tan and I can fit into size 30 jeans… but I also have planes to fix and a family to take care of.

I did reward myself with the new Britney album. I’m very into dance music. Believe me, I take a lot of flak for it but I’m unapologetic about it. I love Rihanna and Ciara and Madonna and all that uber-flaming “gay” dance music.

So far I’m on the 4th or 5th song and it is really really good. I downloaded it from iTunes, which has the most complicated user interface, I swear. That’s why I’ll never switch to Apple from Microsoft. I can fix computer systems on multi-million dollar warplanes but I can’t master iTunes.

Go figure.

Time for some BlogSurfing.

—Matt

Well, I wrote this really long post earlier but now it’s gone. Don’t know how that happened. My back was so bad last night I used my “Day Off” from working weekend duty. It’s still pretty bad. I want to exercise so badly but I’m telling myself to take the week off.

Still… last night my wife told me, not in a mean way… but she said she has to start thinking of me as handicapped. And I was like “Well… this lower back problem is not the same thing as my other stuff…” but she had to do all the Boy stuff yesterday while I layed on the couch.

But I could not stand to hear that she thought of me as crippled in any way so today I was putting dishes away and I helped her with the grocery shopping and everything else.

I tried to stay up all night last night and watch TV and eat my normal meals and it worked out very well. Tatiana is right you have to be careful when you are just bored watching TV on the couch, you want to snack mindlessly. Believe me, the chips and dip and tiny candies from the weekend party were calling my name. But I resisted and just drank diet soda in between snacks and meals. I think I ate about 1300 calories.

Then this morning I could not fall asleep because I kept falling asleep on the couch last night. So I helped my wife take The Boy to school and then we ran errands that included grocery shopping. Her lower back is also hurting her in a minor way lately so I have been giving her lower back massages.

Okay this part is kind of private and all but it’s funny so I’m going to share. After our afternoon errands we took a bath together and then we were going to get “romatic” but both our backs were hurting and then it was too funny because we could not find any good position that did not hurt one or both of us, so we ended up laughing so much it just became “cuddle time” because the mood just changed so much.

Ahhh, it’s good to be married to someone that you can laugh like that with.

Anyway.

Tonight is the Biggest Loser. I am so used to exercising during the whole program it will be hard to just sit on the couch. I really hate this.

I tried some Capasizn or whatever it is called with the pepper in the balm… and it is horrible! It doesn’t work at all. It just makes your skin burn. And not in a soothing way like IcyHot or BenGay. It just BURNS so in addition to your muscle pain your skin is burning as well. And it’s hard to wash off so everything you touch also burns.

This weekend my wife’s Dad’s side is coming. We like her Dad and his wife. And we like her sister, who is just back from Iraq. But some of the people coming are very judgemental and very materialistic. My wife is anxious because our “new” home is a Manufactured Home. It’s not like we live in a run-down trailer, it’s a nice house. But my wife is so worried because it’s not all hardwood floors and fireplaces and plasma screen TVs.

We put our time and resources into each other, our family, our son, and my wife’s education and my Air Force career. Her family does not have kids or anything like what we have. Our values are completely different. We would spend our weekends volunteering or out at the park with our son.

They would spend it shopping for brand new clothes and  cars and stuff.

But she is worried. I love her so much. I hope she’ll be okay this weekend.

—Matt

One musical artist I really like is Bjork. She’s an aquired taste, if you’re not too familiar with her music. Probably her most “commercially accessable” album is “Post” or perhaps “Homogenic” but lately they’ve been really bizarre. I didn’t even buy “Volta” which came out earlier this year and had the Timbaland collaboration “Space Intruders” on it.

But she has this song from way back called “One Day” where the lyrics are kind of cryptic but basically… that’s how I’m feeling right now and I’ll explain.

I’m fairly tired after coming off a week of working Graveyard shift. My left shoulder and chest area are extremely sore and so is my left foot. I did not get home and get to bed until almost 10:30am today and I had intended to wake up at 1:30pm in order to go to my son’s class Halloween party. But then I woke up almost immediately at 11am with this urge to binge and … for a second I had a conscious thought of trying to fight it… but then I gave in and had some pizza, two bowls of cereal, 6 cookies, a few bowls of pudding mixed with sweet potato filling (which was delicious, by the way) some ice cream sandwiches, a lean pocket and probably more stuff I cannot even recall.

All this was while watching “Work Out!” with that hot lesbian trainer on Bravo! talk about your irony there. “Stuff your face while watching hot people get in shape! Woo-hooo!”

But then I was so full I was actually kind of ill… but then I made a decision NOT to feel bad or guilty, and “get back on track” right away. I think some people would think that this ruins everything and they’d wait until Monday but I never do that.

I have struggled with this binge thing for a while now so I know

#1. It’s not the end of the world.

#2. Just start over right away with your next breath, your next meal, your next exercise session.

So since it was about noonish, and I am so so so freaking full, I decided I probably just won’t eat again until breakfast Saturday morning. No big deal. I have “weekend duty” so I’ll be on dayshift tomorrow and Sunday.

The Halloween party is tomorrow night and we are making lots of junk food but I think for me personally I probably just won’t eat any. We’ll see… I’m not sweating it.

Also when I stepped on the scale it still says “150″ and this is with all that food and everything still “in there” so that is really good. I’m in a good mood and I’m not going to Gazelle or anything this evening I am just fatigued and sore I’m just taking it easy. My wife and son are up and making treats for tomorrow evening’s party and our friend is over with her daughter so it’s just going to be a relaxing evening with the family until I fall asleep.

In other news… I made the decision to tell my bosses at work about my Medical Problems and they are trying to be understanding but at the same time it IS the military so I think it is ruffling a few feathers that I am unable to do the more physical aspects of my job… and last night one of my co-workers actually said to me “So I hear you’re making up new forms of arthritis now…” and I was really upset and pissed off at that for a while. Because it means that everybody in my shop probably knows now and secondly there must be at least a few who think I am full of crap.

It is very frustrating to wake up every day in some degree of pain. I am not on any serious painkillers at all. Every freaking movement I make is pain to some degree. If I have to pick something off the floor, get in and out of my car, the simplest movements cause me pain somewhere on my body every moment of my life.

I did not ask for this but I choose to be positive and smile and tell people I am just fine. I continue to try and work out as best I can on any given day. I continue to hobble my ass all over work fixing these planes as best I can without complaining.

How do they think it makes me feel on my really bad days when I can’t pick up my son. Sometimes my wife will do things like pick him up and twirl him around and I can’t do that stuff anymore. Taking out a bag of trash is a major chore. It’s not that I am too weak to do these things, it is that it causes me a lot of pain.

And somebody has the nerve to say something like that to me. I was very very angry for a while but fortunately last night I had a job where I was assigned to update some software on the jet so I got to sit in this CLASSIFIED room for a while by myself while working on the computer and just sit there and stew, which honestly helped.

They are trying to assign me jobs where the most physical thing I have to do is carry around the heavy-ass laptops we have and maybe climb up and down the ladder to the cockpit.

Sometimes I think “Geez, this is so sad… I can’t even climb up and down a ladder without pain.” And it’s true but I don’t think they understand that. I REFUSE to go in there and complain about everything so I think they truly do not understand the extent to which I am in pain all the time.

 And by the way, I really appreciate you listening. I don’t like to burden the people in my “real life” with these types of “woe is me” complaining, but I feel like my journal on BS gives me a place to share how I really feel.

I really feel like I am making the best of this situation as I can. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or what I have or anything. I can’t help it this but I am doing exactly what the Air Force taught me : adapt and overcome.

Good news : I got my first achievement medal.

—Matt

Okay here is the thing : It is said that to have a Samurai / Bushido mindset you are supposed to live each day like it is your last. Right?

Okay then. I keep reading where sometimes people who suffer from extreme arthritis or pain conditions (whatever it is I have…) have to “pace themselves”. And that is true. On these days when I Gazelle, like… 10 miles and then I’m mowing the lawn outside and everything… well by the time it’s bedtime believe me I am in a lot of pain.

So maybe the next day I’m completely hurting from the start, right?

So they say on your “good days” to pace yourself so you won’t have a bad day the next day. But me, I get to feeling like “Oh I can tolerate the pain pretty well today.” and I end up doing all kinds of stuff I maybe shouldn’t. This week, Sunday was good but then Monday night I popped my chest. These past few days I’ve been in a lot more pain and discomfort but we have been having a lot of rain so I think that may aggravate it.

Well okay I’m on a profile now and I might get discharged from the military for all these medical problems and I hate that. It takes so much away from my pride and masculinity that basically all I can do is Gazelle. I haven’t even been able to do the Leslie Sansone DVDs. I can sort of lift my son, he’s about 30 pounds but that is my thresh-hold these days.

I suppose — from what I’ve read on the Net and Wiki, a lot of pain conditions will be bad for a week and then go into remission. So I keep reminding myself that Sunday I felt really really good into Monday and that will return.

Maybe I should be more “Tao” about things. Instead of wanting to Gazelle a Marathon, perhaps I should use that time and energy to do something less physical that would mean something to the world. Like maybe spend the 8 hours writing letters to children or something. Or something like that.

Because Gazelle-ing 8 hours is going to kill me for the rest of that weekend.

I need to get away from the mindset that these physical accomplishments define me.

I guess… before when I was so athletic and slim physicality was so important to me… being slim still is and I am getting there slowly but surely. But I just can’t do too much physically anymore.

As sad as it sound, sometimes GAzelle-ing briskly for an hour or two is very very difficult.

I need to find some new focuses besides working out, physical stuff… I need to redefine who I am—

Perhaps I will make a rule to limit myself to 90 minutes of formal exercise at the most each day. And I should maybe focus more on my family, spirituality, and humanitarian things.

Any suggestions as to hobbies or good charities or good projects would be mucho appreciated.

—Matt