Slimdude

Well, I feel pretty good mentally. Physically, I am very sore and stiff this AM.

My day yesterday went pretty well over-all. The Boy and I watched a lot of TV, but we also played a lot with toys. He even took a nap right on the sofa while VH1’s “I Love The 90s : Part Deux” was on.

I was on my feet quite a bit yesterday so I think I’m feeling it today.

But there are downs to yesterday. One, at about 6:30pm he got it in his head to be extremely hyper and mischevious and no matter how many times I told him “No” and not to touch something and settle down he just would not listen. I think I probably gave him about ten chances to stop all that, like jumping on the couch, pulling on the curtains, climbing on the table, on and on until I finally told him I would put him to bed “You are going Nite Nite in your crib if you don’t stop!” which he fully understands but he did not stop so I ended up putting him in his crib, which of course hurt my lower back a little bit so now it hurts and he screamed and cried for a solid hour and I felt bad both physically and mentally…

I had so wanted the evening to be pleasant and nice and he could have stayed up as late as he wanted until he fell asleep as long as he was good. Anyway, I guess I just felt so crappy I gave in and had a minor binge. A lean pocket, some cookies, and a gigantic bowl of cereal. I knew the whole time I was doing it purely to make myself feel better, and afterwards of course I felt even worse because now on top of the kid thing and the back thing now I had the stupid eating at night thing.

oh well. one day I will learn. perhaps today.

he did wake up at 11pm or so crying a little so of course I went in there and it took everything I had physically but I carried my little boy back into the living room with me and laid him on the couch and he slept on one sofa and I slept on the other one all night. I had to turn off the TV to get him to fall asleep, though.

Oh I love him so much why can’t he just mind me when I tell him stuff? darn it.

Okay well the scale is holding steady at 150 so I guess until I stop binge-ing and snacking at night I’m not going to lose the last ten pounds.

I’m excited about Thanksgiving, www.hungrygirl.com has a great recipe for pumpkin pie that is only 135 calories per slice and I either want my wife to make it or I want to make it and see what it tastes like.

Nothing that spectacular to report on the TV front… here is your joke for the day:

*A little boy and his father were walking and they happened to see two dogs humping, and the little boy says “What are they doing Daddy?”

“Well son, they are making a puppy.”

So a few nights later the son accidentally walks in on his parents making love. and he says “Daddy what are you doing to Mommy?”

“well son, we are making a baby.”

“Well flip her over I’d rather have a puppy!”

oh my.

—Matt

Well… it has been a lot harder to resist the snackies and the binges than I originally thought. I woke up again at about 10:30pm last night and polished off about half a loaf of bread with honey and bananas.

But, inspired by MarathonGirl, I am going to start a No-Binge No-Nite Eating 30 Day Challenge in the forum area and you all are more than welcome to join in. Is binge eating your dietary downfall? Or nite time eating? Or a combo of the two? Why not join in that thread once I get it rolling. We’ll see if we can go 30-days in a row, or at least cut way way down. I think I’ve only *NOT* done it one day this week, and that was probably only because I hurt so bad I could not haul myself into the kitchen.

But overall life is okay. I am still on vacation for the next three weeks… we cut it back some… I did not see “Last One Standing” last night I was asleep.

My next step in the Med Thing is my referral to the Endo which will be next week, plus I see my regular Doc, Dr. C next Tuesday.

Today the Boy and I are hanging out all day together. I really hope he does not give me too many problems. We almost decided to have a friend watch him all night but … I guess it’s a pride thing but I am a man I should be able to take care of my little boy.

I think we’ll have fun overall I just can’t be chasing him all over the house. As long as he’ll bring me stuff like games and blocks and cars and balls we’ll be okay. We can watch cartoons and stuff. I like hanging out with my kid (he will turn 2 at the end of DEC) I always have and I could not bear the thought that someone else was watching him overnight, even though this is a very trusted friend and all. I want him to hang out with his Dada. Because I’m sure the day will come soon enough when he will be embarrassed to be around us, and he’ll be like other teens : “Leave me alooooooone!” , “get off my back!” “I hate youuuuu” et cetera.

So while he’s little and he’s good I’m grateful.

Oh and yesterday we went to his DayCare to have Thanksgiving lunch with him and I had an empty cup and jokingly I said “here son, get Dada some water…” and he took my cup, went straight over to their water faucet, turned it on and filled my cup up and brought it back to me. Also he was drinking from it, too. I was really really shocked. He seems so smart sometimes but he barely says anything. Only Dada and Mama and Up and Ball and he loves SpongeBob he goes “ooooooooooh!” when the pirate does at the beginning and when spongebob pops up and plays his nose as a flute my son copies him. He can point to anything you ask him too I’m always a little surprised frankly at the things he knows like objects and colors and body parts. You can say “get me the blue truck” and he’ll come back with a blue truck I don’t even realize he owned. But he just doesn’t talk. I try to get him to say Please and Thank You and Yes and No but he only shakes his head for yes and no. And he shrugs his shoulders for “I don’t know”… like if you ask him to go find something… “where is your drink?” and he’ll leave for five minutes, come right up to you with the cutest look on his face of bewilderment, and shrug his shoulders and hold out his hands… “dada I don’t know where the cup is…” he seems to say… I do love him a lot, even when he is whiny or very hyper. Oh god I don’t … I hope he’s not too hyper today. I hate to sound like a pansy but I do not have it in me to chase him all over the house. Hopefully we’ll spend most of our time in the living room. And THANK GOD when I say let’s change your diaper up here, he will climb onto the couch and lay there.

Okay before I forget , here is your joke for today:

Two little boys are walking thru the woods and they see some rabbit poop. The one kid goes “hey what’s that?” and the other boy says “Oh those are smart pills! try one!”

so the first kid tastes it and says “Yuck, this tastes like Doo-Doo!”

“see, you’re getting smarter already!”

Ba=dum=ching!

—Matt

My third entry for Saturday. It’s about 11pm and yes, I did wake up and the thought occured to me to get in that kitchen and find some leftovers. Oh, how easy it would be to grab a whole sleeve of crackers and dip them all in that yummy yummy French Onion dip. Or have a big slice of pumpkin pie, topped with ice cream and whipped topping. Oh and that would be so good why not follow it up with Apple Pie! More ice cream and more whipped topping! Oh wait here is some mashed potatoes and mac and cheese Why Not I’ve Already Blown It, Right?

Aha! So here is where those rolls went, hmmm… oh here’s some cheese to put on those, oh there are cookies in here, too? Mmmm let’s see about ten cookies with some milk.

See where I am going with this?

But instead… a Vanilla Coke Zero… some BlogSurfing… and back to bed…

Tomorrow morning should be a great weigh-in. I did very good this week, despite being told I have seven fractured ribs, my exercise went way down… but I did eat right and NO BINGES. Tomorrow morning will make one full week.

Sorry, oh delicious high carb Halloween Candy, but somebody else will have to enjoy your sinful sweetness on another day.

—Matt

Well, I wrote this really long post earlier but now it’s gone. Don’t know how that happened. My back was so bad last night I used my “Day Off” from working weekend duty. It’s still pretty bad. I want to exercise so badly but I’m telling myself to take the week off.

Still… last night my wife told me, not in a mean way… but she said she has to start thinking of me as handicapped. And I was like “Well… this lower back problem is not the same thing as my other stuff…” but she had to do all the Boy stuff yesterday while I layed on the couch.

But I could not stand to hear that she thought of me as crippled in any way so today I was putting dishes away and I helped her with the grocery shopping and everything else.

I tried to stay up all night last night and watch TV and eat my normal meals and it worked out very well. Tatiana is right you have to be careful when you are just bored watching TV on the couch, you want to snack mindlessly. Believe me, the chips and dip and tiny candies from the weekend party were calling my name. But I resisted and just drank diet soda in between snacks and meals. I think I ate about 1300 calories.

Then this morning I could not fall asleep because I kept falling asleep on the couch last night. So I helped my wife take The Boy to school and then we ran errands that included grocery shopping. Her lower back is also hurting her in a minor way lately so I have been giving her lower back massages.

Okay this part is kind of private and all but it’s funny so I’m going to share. After our afternoon errands we took a bath together and then we were going to get “romatic” but both our backs were hurting and then it was too funny because we could not find any good position that did not hurt one or both of us, so we ended up laughing so much it just became “cuddle time” because the mood just changed so much.

Ahhh, it’s good to be married to someone that you can laugh like that with.

Anyway.

Tonight is the Biggest Loser. I am so used to exercising during the whole program it will be hard to just sit on the couch. I really hate this.

I tried some Capasizn or whatever it is called with the pepper in the balm… and it is horrible! It doesn’t work at all. It just makes your skin burn. And not in a soothing way like IcyHot or BenGay. It just BURNS so in addition to your muscle pain your skin is burning as well. And it’s hard to wash off so everything you touch also burns.

This weekend my wife’s Dad’s side is coming. We like her Dad and his wife. And we like her sister, who is just back from Iraq. But some of the people coming are very judgemental and very materialistic. My wife is anxious because our “new” home is a Manufactured Home. It’s not like we live in a run-down trailer, it’s a nice house. But my wife is so worried because it’s not all hardwood floors and fireplaces and plasma screen TVs.

We put our time and resources into each other, our family, our son, and my wife’s education and my Air Force career. Her family does not have kids or anything like what we have. Our values are completely different. We would spend our weekends volunteering or out at the park with our son.

They would spend it shopping for brand new clothes and  cars and stuff.

But she is worried. I love her so much. I hope she’ll be okay this weekend.

—Matt

Well fellow BSers, the holidays have begun. And that means it’s time to play our favorite game… everybody now : “House — of — Temptation!”

 Because of the party tomorrow, our house is currently filled with every manner of cake, cookie, brownie, frosting, crackers, cheese and other tidbits you cannot even imagine.

And here I am drinking Diet Pepsi and blogging at midnite.

Lord help me, BSers.

—Matt

One musical artist I really like is Bjork. She’s an aquired taste, if you’re not too familiar with her music. Probably her most “commercially accessable” album is “Post” or perhaps “Homogenic” but lately they’ve been really bizarre. I didn’t even buy “Volta” which came out earlier this year and had the Timbaland collaboration “Space Intruders” on it.

But she has this song from way back called “One Day” where the lyrics are kind of cryptic but basically… that’s how I’m feeling right now and I’ll explain.

I’m fairly tired after coming off a week of working Graveyard shift. My left shoulder and chest area are extremely sore and so is my left foot. I did not get home and get to bed until almost 10:30am today and I had intended to wake up at 1:30pm in order to go to my son’s class Halloween party. But then I woke up almost immediately at 11am with this urge to binge and … for a second I had a conscious thought of trying to fight it… but then I gave in and had some pizza, two bowls of cereal, 6 cookies, a few bowls of pudding mixed with sweet potato filling (which was delicious, by the way) some ice cream sandwiches, a lean pocket and probably more stuff I cannot even recall.

All this was while watching “Work Out!” with that hot lesbian trainer on Bravo! talk about your irony there. “Stuff your face while watching hot people get in shape! Woo-hooo!”

But then I was so full I was actually kind of ill… but then I made a decision NOT to feel bad or guilty, and “get back on track” right away. I think some people would think that this ruins everything and they’d wait until Monday but I never do that.

I have struggled with this binge thing for a while now so I know

#1. It’s not the end of the world.

#2. Just start over right away with your next breath, your next meal, your next exercise session.

So since it was about noonish, and I am so so so freaking full, I decided I probably just won’t eat again until breakfast Saturday morning. No big deal. I have “weekend duty” so I’ll be on dayshift tomorrow and Sunday.

The Halloween party is tomorrow night and we are making lots of junk food but I think for me personally I probably just won’t eat any. We’ll see… I’m not sweating it.

Also when I stepped on the scale it still says “150″ and this is with all that food and everything still “in there” so that is really good. I’m in a good mood and I’m not going to Gazelle or anything this evening I am just fatigued and sore I’m just taking it easy. My wife and son are up and making treats for tomorrow evening’s party and our friend is over with her daughter so it’s just going to be a relaxing evening with the family until I fall asleep.

In other news… I made the decision to tell my bosses at work about my Medical Problems and they are trying to be understanding but at the same time it IS the military so I think it is ruffling a few feathers that I am unable to do the more physical aspects of my job… and last night one of my co-workers actually said to me “So I hear you’re making up new forms of arthritis now…” and I was really upset and pissed off at that for a while. Because it means that everybody in my shop probably knows now and secondly there must be at least a few who think I am full of crap.

It is very frustrating to wake up every day in some degree of pain. I am not on any serious painkillers at all. Every freaking movement I make is pain to some degree. If I have to pick something off the floor, get in and out of my car, the simplest movements cause me pain somewhere on my body every moment of my life.

I did not ask for this but I choose to be positive and smile and tell people I am just fine. I continue to try and work out as best I can on any given day. I continue to hobble my ass all over work fixing these planes as best I can without complaining.

How do they think it makes me feel on my really bad days when I can’t pick up my son. Sometimes my wife will do things like pick him up and twirl him around and I can’t do that stuff anymore. Taking out a bag of trash is a major chore. It’s not that I am too weak to do these things, it is that it causes me a lot of pain.

And somebody has the nerve to say something like that to me. I was very very angry for a while but fortunately last night I had a job where I was assigned to update some software on the jet so I got to sit in this CLASSIFIED room for a while by myself while working on the computer and just sit there and stew, which honestly helped.

They are trying to assign me jobs where the most physical thing I have to do is carry around the heavy-ass laptops we have and maybe climb up and down the ladder to the cockpit.

Sometimes I think “Geez, this is so sad… I can’t even climb up and down a ladder without pain.” And it’s true but I don’t think they understand that. I REFUSE to go in there and complain about everything so I think they truly do not understand the extent to which I am in pain all the time.

 And by the way, I really appreciate you listening. I don’t like to burden the people in my “real life” with these types of “woe is me” complaining, but I feel like my journal on BS gives me a place to share how I really feel.

I really feel like I am making the best of this situation as I can. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or what I have or anything. I can’t help it this but I am doing exactly what the Air Force taught me : adapt and overcome.

Good news : I got my first achievement medal.

—Matt

Well, BSers. I have a confession to make right up front : The momentum I picked up last week concerning eating at night and all that… it is gone. I have pretty much gotten up to eat every night. I’m very dissapointed because I really thought maybe I had finally beaten the one habit that is keeping me from my Vanity Goal Weight of 140 pounds. I know I cannot get to that weight and maintain it unless I stop eating crackers and sandwiches and cereal at midnight while watching Jimmy Kimmel.

I even made the mistake of stepping onto the scale to see what kind of damage I have done since Saturday, and the truth is not kind : 158 pounds. That is back up from 154.

But you know what?! Despite that, I’m feeling pretty decent this morning. All I can do is eat right and exercise and focus on the good things in life and vow once again to stop eating after dinner. That’s it. It’s not too hard. I will try very very hard to Log On to BuddySlim and scan some blogs when that Urge to Eat hits. I think if I do that on a consistent basis it will pleasantly replace my current habit of eating mountains of food while watching TV.

My new habit will be to have a diet soda or some herbal tea and surf the BS blogs for half an hour and then go back to bed.

As many times as it takes.

On the Good side, I am doing very very well in my Walking Challenge with Ellen and Tatiana. I think I am up around 30 miles in the first week, and I clocked in 4 more with Leslie Sansone this morning. If ya’ll don’t know, Leslie gives you one heck of a workout. Maybe you’ve seen the DVDs in Wal-Mart or Target and thought “Walking? That’s nothing.” But you would be wrong. I do the Four Mile ones like the Walk Express Challenge and the new Fast Walk series. It’s really a low-impact aerobics class on DVD. Much more of a calorie burn than many many other fitness videos out there because there are no complicated steps, you are just steady moving and sweating for about 50 minutes and then  you stretch and cool down.

I have the next three days off of work so that I can do stuff for the new house. My wife has already moved a lot over there and by this weekend we hope to be totally moved in. Then the fun part of unpacking / organizing / decorating begins. Decorating is my Wife’s Department.

So today I plan to be busy busy but around 1pm if I feel good I may walk a bit more and lift some light weights. Just to give myself a little “exercise break” from all this other stuff. Moving is fun but it’s also kind of stressful.

In other fun news, did anybody catch “The Biggest Loser” last night? I love that show, and I admit I like Bob more than the other two trainers. I think Bob’s approach to fitness and nutrition sets people up for whole lifestyle changes forever much  more than Jillian’s “Hard and Fast” approach. But I admit it was badass the way they had Jillian show up on a motorcycle to lead the black team. Even though I think it was a stunt driver the whole time until she finally took her helmet off.

Also that very first challenge where they had to run to meet Bob and Kim gave me a funny moment… when all the people started going back for that one lady who was lagging behind… if I had been her and I saw all these ginormous people heading towards me, I would have thought “Oh crap… they must be hungry after that jog they are going to gang up and eat me.” and I would have turned around and ran.

Okay I know that’s not the nicest sentiment in the world but I could not help but think of it… a sort of “Lord of the Flies” moment and maybe I just have a dark sense of humor.

—Matt

Howdy BuddySlimmers… hope you brought your Reading Glasses, this could be a rambling post. Because I am in a  Rambling Mood.

 Today was one of those days that I just had a really really great time @ work. If I have not mentioned it before… I am in the U.S. Military and my job is to fix computer type stuff on jets. If that sounds like a “sit-down” type job, well… the truth is, 25% of it is. But there is also a large physical aspect to it, too.

There are things to carry and haul, pick up and put down, climb this, walk over here. You never ever stop moving. On one hand, I’m grateful for having such an active job. On the other hand, it really makes it difficult on my back and all…

 That doggone spine thing. I really really try to “Push It Out” and not complain. Nobody wants to hear about how much my neck hurts, my back hurts, my arms tingle. Not my wife, not my co-workers, probably not even you BSers. Hahahaha. BSers. <—-That’s funny right there.

But I’m hoping since this is like my own private journal you all will cut me some slack and let me complain a little. I just know people do not understand the specific type of pain I am in. On a “good day”… when I’m not as active or  my Meds are working… it merely feels like little pin points or ants or something crawling around my neck and back and shoulders. That’s like a “3″. On a worse day, it really feels like somebody stabbing down into my shoulders with knives. Over and over and over and over. All … day… long… but ! With my type of attitude I just try to smile and get on with life because my mentality is this:

 there are people in this world who must deal with SO MUCH MORE adversity. I’m inspired by people like Ash who battle their own problems PLUS they are supportive of signifigant others with problems. Or KamaPerry ( I think that’s right) who is helping her parents get thru tough times and all the while maintaining good diet and exercise habits the best she can.

Yes, it’s true all you BSers inspire me on a daily basis and for those of you who are Americans I keep you in mind when  I try every day to contribute my very itty bitty part to what keeps us safe and free and democracy intact. You pay taxes and I am trying to give you your $$$s worth. Hahahaha.

 Okay so… yeah I love my job, I love the military, I love all you BSers and my back hurts. No this is not the drugs talking, my meds are all mild relaxers and to be honest they just barely work. I am considering asking for something stronger for at night.

So a little “diet” talk before I turn in for the night. It is about Quarter ’til 9pm and I am sitting here not hungry at all. I had dinner at about 5:30 and I feel fine. I had fish and veggies and a cup of sugar free jellO which I shared with my son.

 Who is sick with a cold BTW…

But here is the Bizarre Thing : as soon as I fall asleep, within the hour I will wake up with an Urge to Eat. And then, no matter how many times I fight it off, it will keep occuring every hour until about 2 or 3am.

How to describe this feeling?

It is like a desperate, urgent need to feast on Sweet, Fatty and/or salty carbs. I don’t wake up thinking “Oh I’m hungry I need an apple…”

 No.

The feeling is always “Well, I need some cookies and ice cream, N O W!” But if I can resist for about 15 minutes, I feel fine again. The trouble is, I have to do it again and again all freaking night long!!

Oh well. Maybe I will succeed tonight. NO! I should say ” I will succeed tonight!” and then if I don’t who cares? But if I do, at least I put that Vibe out there to begin with.

On the issue of having stuff in the house… well… this is a very touchy subject for me. The truth of the matter is this : my wife buys “junk food” more often than I do, and she also loves to bake as a hobby and she hopes to make it a career. So there will always be things like cookies and ice cream and brownies and cake around.

There was a time period where I wondered if she was trying to sabotage me for some reason and we had a heart-2-heart talk about it, and she said she really was not trying to hurt me but she simply had her own food problems which is that she likes fast food a lot and she buys junk food. My wife does not have a weight issue at all, I’m sure many of you out there have spouses who eat whatever they want and their weight never changes at all. My wife is like this. She can eat like, a few potato chips and be satisfied but even when  she does things like snack on junk food all day her weight never changes at all. Meanwhile I have to work my butt off just to stay at the 160s. It can be frustrating but I choose to view it as more humorous than anything.

And the reason I am kind of hesitatant to Blog about it is because I never want my wife to feel guilty about her own eating habits or about sabotaging me. The truth is that I am a food addict and even if there were only healthy things in the house I would simply eat 1000s of calories of “healthy food”.

I’m not going to lie, it does make it harder sometimes. Like right there, on this very Entertainment Center, there is a box of OREOS and a box of Whoppers. Today my wife made cupcakes which are supposed to be part of a cake she is making her Mom. So the kitchen has these wonderful chocolate cupcakes, as well as several pots of frosting laying around. It’s all very tempting. But the temptations of life will always be there. That’s just part of living. So rather than be frustrated by all this, I choose to accept responsibilty for what I put into my mouth, see the humor in the whole thing, and to look at it like one of those “Biggest Loser” challenges. Can I resist the temptations?

Do I have the strength to turn to this Blog later on tonight when I inevitably wake up wanting to eat all this stuff?

Gee, I hope so…

—Matt

It would be hilarious to walk on the Treadmill while chowing down on a bucket of fried chicken

 OR

Walking on the treadmill, every time you burn 100 calories, shout “Whoo-hooo! Another 100 calories down! I deserve a treat!” really loudly, then  pull a Twinkie out of your pocket and eat it.

Maybe it’s just me?

—Matt