Slimdude

I am really sorry that this post is probably going to be a “downer” fellow BSers. I try so hard to be positive but I have just had a bad day, period.

I was feeling so great about everything, including weight loss… depending on when I weigh myself it’s around 146-150 and that is lower weight than I have had in over a year at least. It’s not quite to my goal, but hey… down from 172 in Jan ‘06 and down from 163 since I joined BuddySlim so I’m NOT knocking that.

Anyway, it’s become pretty obvious that I will never get to my goal weight and maintain it no matter how healthy I eat and how active I am if I can’t break the “binge” habit… or snack habit or however you want to put it. Plus, even if I could lose weight and binge like that… there are other factors besides weight loss… it is not good from a health and psychological standpoint to sit there and eat 1000s of calories in one massive go.

 So I was on sort of a good streak starting Saturday… well… yesterday (monday night) work was just insane. I work on Jets for the USAF and my job is to fix the computer systems on them. This requires a lot of physical work anyway. It’s a lot of walking around and carrying laptop computer and climbing up and down  the ladder over and over to work in the cockpit and hooking up massive power lines and hoses to the plane… anyway the point is, when I say I work on the computers and electronics… don’t think I am sitting on my butt all night. Sometimes I do if we don’t have any work.

But that is rare. Complicated jet fighters break a lot. And it’s my job to fix them. We only have about 8 people on MidShift. Dayshift has about 30 and SwingShift has 20. Nevertheless, we had a TON of jobs last night. Keep in mind that the Air Force almost always works in pairs in flightline maintenance. It’s part of our wingman concept and it’s just the way things are done. Two people work a job. And many jobs actually need two people (such as component replacement) because you need the hands and the help. But lately we’ve been working one to a job.

So first of all right there I’m doing this one job solo which means I am doing all that physical stuff myself. And as the night wears on, I could really start feeling my body giving out. Then I tried to push on a piece of equipment and something in the upper rib bone structure of my chest kind of popped. It doesn’t hurt too much but I can’t really put any weight on it.

I really think there is something wrong with me that I am falling apart like this. I feel like Mr. Glass in that movie “Unbreakable”… the Samuel L Jackson character.

On top of that, the computer system on the jet I was working was kicking my ass. I have been doing this for about two and a half years now and I was trying everything I could think of and I could NOT bring the Avionics “on-line” which means the jet could not fly. I worked on this for 8 hours straight and I barely even took a lunch break. Just enough to wolf down my salmon and veggies but they were good.

So here I am, sore body—popped chest— bad jet — and then after I came home and went to bed at about 8:30am… well at 9:30am I woke up with this weird massive frenzied urge to binge and I totally caved in. I ate about 1200 calories I estimate, which actually is a lot less than I can eat. When there is peanut butter in the house or ice cream I tend to eat those right out of the carton and I could easily rack up 5000-6000 calories in about ten minutes. Sounds bad but it’s true.

Anyway, here I am stuffing my face and I had just sat down with a Lean Pocket when I saw my wife pull up in the car outside and I was embarrassed about being up and eating so I was rushing to “hide” my hotpocket and I went into the bathroom in our master bedroom and I knew she would not come in there at all because she would think I was sleeping and my wife is so good about not waking me up during the day… she is such a sweetie… (okay that’s a positive thing right there!)…

sorry about this post being long, BSers… but bear with me!!!

And I dropped the plate and it broke. So here I am thinking “This is so ridiculous, a grown ass man hiding his worst habit and now I have to clean up this plate and I should have just drank some water or diet cola and gone back to bed!”

I really have to stop this.

Well I did fall back to sleep at about 10am, and when I got up at 3pm I decided not to beat myself up about it and just try to mitigate any damage. So I’m just gonna lower my calories a little to about 1200 today but still eat normally, about three hours apart.

And I will try and do the Gazelle for about 12 miles. So I’m essentially trying to burn off the binge from earlier in an easy , non-guilty way. One thing I have never done is throw up. I don’t know that I could do it but I could see how people get themselves into that situation.

Anyway my wife came home while I was Gazelle-ing and we talked and it was SO SO SO hard to admit to her but I told her about the incident with the plate this morning. She could always read this Blog she knows about it but I don’t think she ever does. So I told her and she was like “Oh, honey you know I never judge you for that…” and it’s true. She knows I struggle with my eating… she knows it bugs me that I gained all that weight and lost my abs. But she has never ever made me feel badly for it.

I think I am at least a little bit eating disordered because it does bug me so much that I used to be slim and have abs and everything and now I don’t and in the quest to get that back I seem to have developed this whole binge at night thing. But really I have tried everything and every little trick I have read and people have suggested and I admit it…

I am at the point to where suggestions from others bug me. I appreciate they are only trying to help but really what I need to do is break the habit and on nights when I really want to eat I should eat my celery or pickles and maybe a few sugar-free things. I have proven to myself over and over again that if I can get through that first urge, it goes away and even when I wake up for the day I’m usually not hungry.

I have a theory as to why this happens. I think that about an hour after I fall asleep, my body realizes it will have to dip into fat stores and it releases chemicals that say “NO NO NO! Keep your fat! Wake up and binge!” and that’s why I wake up with a feeding frenzy mindset. But once I ignore it… give myself some water to feel full or maybe some diet soda to satisfy the sweet tooth my body does start to metabolize fat and that causes the hunger to stop.

So : stressful work day plus a binge plus I had to call Medical a million times to leave a message so they will call me back with my lab results. And I bet you anything they don’t ever call me back. I am going to have to go over there I bet.

Okay as if that was not enough, my baby python died. I found him in his cage biting himself. I wrote that he finally ate the other day after a month. Well, I think it was too little too late and he was starving and could not metabolize the mouse fast enough. That is the only thing I can think of since, like I said… the position I found him in he was trying to eat himself it looked like.

And I know to some of you it probably sounds ridiculous but I really really liked the snake and I am very saddened that he died. I want another one but it doesn’t take away the sadness about him dying.

Oh well. At least I still have my wife, my son, television, The Gazelle.

Oh and hey The Biggest Loser comes on tonight and I love that show!

The rest of this week will be better.

I know it was a long post, and I know it was mostly a downer but thanks for reading BSers.

—Matt

I had a very great weekend. I re-started that “Night-time Eating” thread and so far I’ve had two days of No Bingeing in a row, even though right now that means that when I wake up during the day I have to go back to bed because “night-time” right now is the middle of the day because I am on MidShift… AKA Graveyard Shift AKA Third Shift.

I have been keeping up with all the walking and Gazelle-ing but I really need to work on push-ups and sit-ups.

With just two days of eating right and exercise and not binge eating, my weight went back down to about 147. So I’m not sure what to use as my “official weight”. I guess we’ll just say I’m “right around” 150 pounds. Which is fine.

In Other News… we bought a car. A 2004 Kia Optima that is pretty cool. I’m happy with the purchase and I think we got a good deal.

My friend’s birthday was Sunday night and we went to Golden Corrall which I love. I had a small salad with fat free catalina dressing, then some steamed broccoli and roasted chicken from which I took the skin off.

Later when we went back to their place to celebrate I did not have even one piece of cheesecake or birthday cake I just drank coffee with sugar free cocoa powder and sugar free caramel syrup. Yes, I felt pretty virtuous but it was funny…

Everyone else has pretty much gorged at G.C., eating lots of rolls and macaroni and cheese and stuffing and yams and they just kept going back again and again and then they went back and complained about how “stuffed” they were and how they needed to “work off the calories” and everyone was talking like this and THEN they still went and almost forced themselves to eat the cheesecake and cake. So I just sat there and drank my coffee and I felt perfectly happy passing up the cheesecake.

I knew beforehand that it would be there and I told myself if I really wanted some, I would have some. But then when it was time to eat dessert, I just wanted the coffee and the chocolate caramel flavor satisfied my sweet tooth just fine, with only about 30 calories.

We are hosting a Halloween Party this weekend.

And my Sister In law is finally back from 6 months in Iraq. I cannot wait to see her.

—Matt

So today I did end up Gazelle-ing about miles in all. I ate much less calories than I normally do (about 1000) but I just could not bear the thought of all my hard work this week being for nothing at the very end.

 So now all I have to do is start my “No Binge” streak tonight and I’ll be okay. For me to be “On-Track” as far as my desired plans, I need to weigh-in at 148 in the morning. I was below that about halfway through the week… about 147… but then I kept snacking and then of course last night’s complete binge.

 Today we went car shopping in the afternoon for a second car and I was surprised how many places were not even open but we bought a 2004 Kia Optima for about 2000 less than it’s supposed book value. I like it. It is white and it has power everything plus lots of stupid extras that I loved like new tires and a new battery and lots of cup holders and a kick-ass Air Conditioning and even a CD player. It’ll make a fantastic second car I think. It has about 60,000 miles on it.

I was watching this show on VH1 today called “Smartest Model” and there is one guy who is normal-looking… like not fat or anything but because he is a model, his “belly” is holding him back and I completely sympathized because that is exactly the boat I am in…

 I’m sure some people notice my “Goal Weight” of 140 and think that is awefully low for a dude. But if you have not read any of my previous entries, let me explain… that weight is the weight at which I have a very flat stomach and abs and everything. It is the difference between “normal okay dude weight” and “slimdude” weight.

Right now I am around 150 pounds and that is fine. I was 172 in 2006 and I started out on this site at 163. So 150 is great. But I don’t have abs and I do just look… let’s say… “fluffy”. How about that?

So that dude on the show is working to drop about 10-15 pounds and I am doing the same thing. It’s completely vanity weight. But it doesn’t mean it bothers me any less to look at pictures where I had abs and I was more “in-shape” than I am now. I want to get back there and I still believe I can.

—Matt

Good morning, BSers. First of all, thanks “zamboni” for stopping by. Yes, I have seen Second Lions and it is pretty good. And I do take a “Joint Supplement” which is MSM plus Glucosamine.

Last night… I don’t know what happened to me and all sensibility I had but I just ATE and ATE and ATE at about midnight. I had several rolls dipped in syrup, I had cookies, I had oatmeal, I had waffles, I had every little carb my body does not need and I’m not even sure why because even if I was hungry I surely ate past the feeling of being satisfied.

It is upsetting because I know I was having a great week. At one point I was down to about 147 and now I am not sure if I will even be able to “break even” when I step on that scale tomorrow morning.

Nevertheless… I go on with a positive attitude, and some new challenges. I have decided to start a “No Eating / Snacking / Bingeing @ Night Challenge” on the forums. I think I may have started one before but abandoned it. If I can find it again I’ll just bump it up. I think there may already be a No Binge-ing challenge going and if so, I’ll just jump on that.

Our Thanksgiving Walking Challenge is going really well… I think I will be around 240 miles now. I think I will hit 300 before Halloween. I have decided to do a “Gazelle-A-Thon” and before that, a “mini” version. They will be 15 miles and 27 miles, respectively.

 I am going to do the Mini version on Friday night, November the 2nd. I will start at 8:30pm and give myself 4.5 hours to complete it. Then on Nov 9th I will try and do 27 miles on The Gazelle. It’s not going to be easy by any means.

Anyway, because of last night… my plan is for a little “compensation”… today I already did 6 miles on The Gazelle, and I will try to eat about 1000 calories in the course of the day. Sunday I’ll do another 4-10 miles on The Gazelle and eat about 1200 calories and then I start GraveYard Shift again and I’ll give myself about 600 calories to start off with.

But really I want to stop all this binge-ing all the time. On a normal day, I eat around 1600 calories and I feel fine, even if I exercise and I am active. I wake up at night (or in the late morning when I’m on Grave Yard Shift) and just have this urgent voice in my head for CaRBS! and FATS! but if I just get some water and some diet soda… and wait it out or get back to bed I am fine.

It’s not real hunger.

It’s all mind games.

—Matt

Wow. I really think all this rain and humidity has affected my arthritis in a serious way. My whole body is just crackling and popping and painful. I am considering taking a second dose of Celebrex just to sleep comfortably tonight.

 Celebrex is the only drug that has any noticeable effect on my pain at all. I’m sure if I was on one of the “blue bottled” type drugs, they would work, too… those Lortabs and Percosets and whatnot… but I have avoided those. I am not using anything addictive. I have to deal with this pain for my life so it’s not a good idea to play around with addictive pain killers.

 The only downside is that Celebrex, like other drugs of it’s type such as ibuprofin… can cause stomach bleeding and ulcers when used over and over.

 You all know I am a huge movie and TV nut : well my new favorite Reality Show is “Last One Standing”. I watched half of the new episode last night and I plan on catching the rest of it on a re-run sometime soon. It airs on DISC Channel.

 Also today I saw the very last part of one of the movie’s from Grindhouse. You remember the Quentin Tarantino / Roberto Rodriguez double feature movie that came out this summer? Well, someone bought the DVD and had it at work and it was hilarious, the part that I saw with the chick with a gun on her leg shooting Zombies. I have gotta see that whole movie.

In other news : the house is great and my wife has been over-the-moon decorating it and making it look nice. She’s like every show HGTV airs all rolled into one. She’ll ask me “Don’t these decorative plates look nice hanging here?” Now I appreciate her efforts, but come on… I am a dude! I have trouble mustering enthusiasm for plates on the wall.

My python finally ate, I have to feed him live mice… that did the trick. The poor mouse but… oh well it was like watching the Nature Channel. MMM yummy.

This weekend my Mother In Law is going to watch The Boy while we go car shopping (for a minivan, I think). I would also like to see Elisabeth. Yeah I know I said I’m a dude and it does seem like a chick flick but I loved the first one ten years ago I bet this one is awesome, too.

I’d also like to see The Kingdom and Michael Clayton. Anyone see any good movies, doesn’t matter in the theater or on DVD, new or old, PLEASE let me know in the comments I am a movie and TV nut.

—Matt

Good morning, BSers. Thanks for everyone who stopped by on my last post and wished me well. I have been a terrible slacker in terms of blogging this week and visiting blogs. I think I skipped Wed and Thur. But I was going to try and visit at least 10 blogs a day. That did not happen.

 Well… last Friday was when my lower back first had trouble. And then earlier this week I pushed it and completely hurt my lower back. Now, this is different from all the arthritis-related spine crap that goes on with me normally. This is a muscle sprain or pull or something in my lower back. But it has not healed up in a week and I think it’s because I’ve been stubborn and still been lifting things like my son and still trying to exercise and all…

 So I’m going to really watch it this weekend and see what happens. I’m going to take it really easy and the only exercise I will do is maybe maybe Gazelle a few miles if I feel up to it. I am not sure if that will help me or hurt me.

Other than that, things are pretty good.

—Matt

I’m doing really really well as far as my diet and exercise and binge-ing and everything. More and more nights I either just drink diet soda and water or maybe have some gum. There are a few nights where maybe I’ll have some sugar free gelatin or even some celery and salsa. But I avoid the cookies and the ice cream and all that stuff and it is working wonders.

Okay now for some sad, bad news… today at work I tried to lift something I should have known was too heavy for me and it totally jacked my back up. Here I am trying to heal and deal and all that and there I go injuring myself to the EXTREME.

 But right this moment, I feel okay because I am sitting down and I took a muscle relaxer pill a bit ago. I forgot the name of it. But I know Robaxin and Flexeril don’t work for me so this is something new.

 This morning I did the SCULPT! routine from Power 90 and I took it easy because it was the first time I had done it in several weeks, so I was feeling good. Then later I did an hour of cardio at the gym and still felt great. But then I tried to lift that… ugh… I can’t believe I was so dumb.

 I hope this does not last.

I hope if I take it easy today I’ll be okay tomorrow but if not I’ll take it easy tomorrow too.

argh.

 oh hey. Tonight is The Biggest Loser. I love that show.

Hi BSers. You know what? The scale says I am One Hundred and 47 pounds today. I do not know WHEN I have been this low but I think it has been at least a year. I am not going to Update my official weight until this weekend, but I am ahead of my goals and feeling good.

I am even wearing my “smaller fit” uniform pants today and they are still snug, but I can fit into them.

Okay so my tip for the day is this : if you have some exercise equipment like a treadmill, a bike, or in my case my trusty Gazelle and you REALLY don’t feel like working out… tell yourself if you work out for just 15 minutes…. about a mile or 100 calories burned… you can have a little treat.

Now the treat has to be something that IS GOOD but also less calories than 100. For me I use “No Sugar Added” Fudgesicles. I usually have one after my first mile but I am eating eat while working on my second. Even if I eat two or three I am only taking in 70-120 calories but two miles will burn about 200 calories.

 My point is, be kind to yourself and compromise…. give yourself some indulgences but don’t over indulge. You can’t really sit there and burn off a bucket of fried chicken in just half an hour but a sweet little sugar free fudgesicle will lick a chocolate craving… PLUS it has calcium and fiber!

Have a great Monday!

I didn’t sleep very well last night… I think I took a nap from about 7pm to 8:30pm, watched a little TV, then fell back asleep. Anyways… I got up at about 3:30am. I am on Dayshift this week. Perhaps tonight I will be so tired I will fall asleep easily at 8 or 9pm. But then again, I think I want to watch Monday Night Raw on cable.

 Yeah I kind of like “pro” wrestling. so what?

When I said I was going to try aND visit 10 BS Blogs per day, that wasn’t meant as a limit… that was a MINIMUM because usually I visit NONE. I’ve been so busy lately it just has not been a priority.

I’m feeling good and Gazelle-ing and doing my Leslie Sansone DVDs and this week I am going to do my strength and resistance training via Power 90 Sculpt! DVD and I’ll let you know how that goes.

Oh for you British folks and the ones who get BBC America on cable like I do now, have you ever seen the show “You Are What You Eat?” It is GREAT. Absolutely hilarious. That lady really pulls no punches.

—Matt

I’m having a great Sunday. The Boy is great, my wife is great, the House is great. Things are groovy. The doctors don’t know what to tell me really about my back and spine issues. I just have some sort of severe osteoarthritis. Hopefully it will not cause me to get discharged.

 My shoulders and neck and back always hurt. And then sometimes my feet and knees slightly ache.

 But I am in such a great mood, who cares? I’m on Dayshift this coming week. I have decided to visit 10 Buddyslim blogs everyday and offer encouraging comments everyday. 10 per day is my goal.

 Hope you all are doing great. I’m doing awesome in my walking challenge. I’m upset for tatiana that she has been injured but hopefully she’ll mend up and be back for this challenge or at least whatever one we undertake next.

 We’ll definitely have to up the ante for the next go-around.

Also I am down to 148 pounds and that has me super-psyched.

—Matt

 P.S. Has anybody seen any good movies lately? There are so many but mainly Elisabeth I really want to see. I saw the first one in 1998 and it blew me away. Has anyone seen the new one?