Slimdude

Well fellow BSers, the holidays have begun. And that means it’s time to play our favorite game… everybody now : “House — of — Temptation!”

 Because of the party tomorrow, our house is currently filled with every manner of cake, cookie, brownie, frosting, crackers, cheese and other tidbits you cannot even imagine.

And here I am drinking Diet Pepsi and blogging at midnite.

Lord help me, BSers.

—Matt

One musical artist I really like is Bjork. She’s an aquired taste, if you’re not too familiar with her music. Probably her most “commercially accessable” album is “Post” or perhaps “Homogenic” but lately they’ve been really bizarre. I didn’t even buy “Volta” which came out earlier this year and had the Timbaland collaboration “Space Intruders” on it.

But she has this song from way back called “One Day” where the lyrics are kind of cryptic but basically… that’s how I’m feeling right now and I’ll explain.

I’m fairly tired after coming off a week of working Graveyard shift. My left shoulder and chest area are extremely sore and so is my left foot. I did not get home and get to bed until almost 10:30am today and I had intended to wake up at 1:30pm in order to go to my son’s class Halloween party. But then I woke up almost immediately at 11am with this urge to binge and … for a second I had a conscious thought of trying to fight it… but then I gave in and had some pizza, two bowls of cereal, 6 cookies, a few bowls of pudding mixed with sweet potato filling (which was delicious, by the way) some ice cream sandwiches, a lean pocket and probably more stuff I cannot even recall.

All this was while watching “Work Out!” with that hot lesbian trainer on Bravo! talk about your irony there. “Stuff your face while watching hot people get in shape! Woo-hooo!”

But then I was so full I was actually kind of ill… but then I made a decision NOT to feel bad or guilty, and “get back on track” right away. I think some people would think that this ruins everything and they’d wait until Monday but I never do that.

I have struggled with this binge thing for a while now so I know

#1. It’s not the end of the world.

#2. Just start over right away with your next breath, your next meal, your next exercise session.

So since it was about noonish, and I am so so so freaking full, I decided I probably just won’t eat again until breakfast Saturday morning. No big deal. I have “weekend duty” so I’ll be on dayshift tomorrow and Sunday.

The Halloween party is tomorrow night and we are making lots of junk food but I think for me personally I probably just won’t eat any. We’ll see… I’m not sweating it.

Also when I stepped on the scale it still says “150″ and this is with all that food and everything still “in there” so that is really good. I’m in a good mood and I’m not going to Gazelle or anything this evening I am just fatigued and sore I’m just taking it easy. My wife and son are up and making treats for tomorrow evening’s party and our friend is over with her daughter so it’s just going to be a relaxing evening with the family until I fall asleep.

In other news… I made the decision to tell my bosses at work about my Medical Problems and they are trying to be understanding but at the same time it IS the military so I think it is ruffling a few feathers that I am unable to do the more physical aspects of my job… and last night one of my co-workers actually said to me “So I hear you’re making up new forms of arthritis now…” and I was really upset and pissed off at that for a while. Because it means that everybody in my shop probably knows now and secondly there must be at least a few who think I am full of crap.

It is very frustrating to wake up every day in some degree of pain. I am not on any serious painkillers at all. Every freaking movement I make is pain to some degree. If I have to pick something off the floor, get in and out of my car, the simplest movements cause me pain somewhere on my body every moment of my life.

I did not ask for this but I choose to be positive and smile and tell people I am just fine. I continue to try and work out as best I can on any given day. I continue to hobble my ass all over work fixing these planes as best I can without complaining.

How do they think it makes me feel on my really bad days when I can’t pick up my son. Sometimes my wife will do things like pick him up and twirl him around and I can’t do that stuff anymore. Taking out a bag of trash is a major chore. It’s not that I am too weak to do these things, it is that it causes me a lot of pain.

And somebody has the nerve to say something like that to me. I was very very angry for a while but fortunately last night I had a job where I was assigned to update some software on the jet so I got to sit in this CLASSIFIED room for a while by myself while working on the computer and just sit there and stew, which honestly helped.

They are trying to assign me jobs where the most physical thing I have to do is carry around the heavy-ass laptops we have and maybe climb up and down the ladder to the cockpit.

Sometimes I think “Geez, this is so sad… I can’t even climb up and down a ladder without pain.” And it’s true but I don’t think they understand that. I REFUSE to go in there and complain about everything so I think they truly do not understand the extent to which I am in pain all the time.

 And by the way, I really appreciate you listening. I don’t like to burden the people in my “real life” with these types of “woe is me” complaining, but I feel like my journal on BS gives me a place to share how I really feel.

I really feel like I am making the best of this situation as I can. I don’t know what is wrong with me, or what I have or anything. I can’t help it this but I am doing exactly what the Air Force taught me : adapt and overcome.

Good news : I got my first achievement medal.

—Matt