Rambling About Weight Loss
Comments(1) I started off convinced that THIS would be the weekend I would stop getting up and eating in the middle of the night. Well, I was wrong…
BUT on the POSITIVE side, I did eat very healthy during the day, and I stayed away from all the chips and hotdogs and cakes and stuff. So I did not compound the problem by eating junk during the day and then eating again at night.
I did exercise Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning but this morning (Monday) my back and everything was feeling so badly I just could not bring myself to do anything…but I did just walk my 5 miles and stretch and do 100 crunches while watching “Fat March” and “SuperNanny”.
So I am sitting here having some oatmeal, the “Weight Control” version from Quaker, that is really really good if you have not tried it. And some fruit. And some coffee flavored with Diet Cocoa mix. I am determined to eat well and exercise and not binge at all this week and see the “158″ on the scale this Saturday.
And I want to try to hit around 2.5 pounds or three pounds every week until I hit my goal of 140. It’s not going to be easy. I know that. I have a tendency to do very well for a while and drop about ten pounds and then go off the rails and gain back the same ten.
Why am I rehashing all this when what I really wanted to write about was my Labor Day weekend? I dunno…
I just… I just want my flat stomach back. I’m tired of taking off my shirt and seeing “the belly” and the love handles. It’s strange because at 160 pounds I’m actually one of the lightest males I know. But I do have an obvious belly and people who have not seen me in years that’s the first thing they always say…. it’s always about my weight.
I got that comment about 4 times this weekend.
I think I’m in a unique situation because I never really got HUGE, know what I mean? Like I saw that “172″ number on the scale and said “Whoa, Buddy… things need to change.” And I got down to around 153 by the beginning of this year. And then I just kind of… I don’t know. The night-time bingeing thing. I let it come back into my life. And so now my “official” weight is 161.
It’s hard when you’ve struggled with losing unwanted weight. I don’t give a damn whether it’s 20 pounds or 100 pounds. I’ve wanted to get back to 140 for two years now. Sometimes you ask yourself “What is the point?” …. of all the exercise. Of the next salad… of eating another healthy meal. Passing up that 1000 calorie milk shake at Steak N Shake. That sort of thing.
But then I think of how proud I will be of myself when I get to 140 again, proving that it CAN BE DONE. How great will it be to see some of the same people I saw this weekend in just a few months at my cousins wedding… and 20 pounds will be gone. How awesome will that be? How great will it be to fit back into all the “SlimDude” clothes that I have not worn in 2 years? To feel confidant about taking my shirt off anytime, anyplace?
How great will it be even this Saturday to be 158 and say Sayonara once and for all to the 160s? FOREVER!! Or by the time the AF Ball comes around in a few weeks to be a little lighter? Yes I’m hoping to get to 150 by the end of Sept. And get to 140 by the end of October. I will not spend the holidays feeling fat. I want to spend them eating wisely and navigating the adventure of weight maintenance. I will not spend my life bingeing on sweets in the middle of the night like some crazed food addict.
There is a part in one of Oprah and Bob Greene’s books where she writes at one point she found herself eating half frozen hot dog buns in maple syrup. I am the same way. I’m not even that hungry!! And I will just eat and eat… just to be eating… it is so absurd to think of. Such an absurd habit. But it helps to know I am not the only one, and it helps to know that it can be overcome. One day at a time. I’ve never been a smoker. Or a drug addict. Never had a problem with alcohol or gambling. But God help me sometimes at midnight I just want to eat a whole pizza and then a sleeve of OREOS with milk.
To see me you would never believe the amount of food I can polish off in merely 15 minutes or so.
But I have to stop. Even if I could eat that way and lose weight… which I can’t. It cannot be healthy to have that much fat and sugar and sodium all at one time. It is just… you know, it’s gross when you think about it in the light of day.
My God, this is turning into a bizarre and rambling post.
I think the one best thing about me struggling with this weight for two years is my compassion level. If you go out in America today to anyplace at all I guarantee you the MAJORITY of people are too fat. Just sit there and people watch. Everybody has too much fat on them. And we are becoming used to it. I DO NOT THINK we should become complacent with ourselves at a higher weight. We all know we should take off a few… or more…
BUT at the same time, I know now it is not easy. Not at all. Perhaps you have difficulty going shopping and not buying junk food. Perhaps you can’t pass up a McDonald’s without getting a Big Mac. Maybe you indulge in the high fat foods all the time. My weakness is late nite eating, which could be as minor as some Jell-O or celery, or it could end up being an all-out binge.
We all struggle. And if you’ll indulge me in my struggle to go from 160 back to my former slim 140, I’ll have compassion for you as you whittle away larger weight loss goals.
—Matt
